ms.amandajensen

Relocation

2009-12-27T21:29:00.001-06:00

I am relocating my blog to Wordpress. I prefer it. From now on, I will be posting blogs at my new location:

http://msamandajensen.wordpress.com/

See you there!

The Future I Cannot Forget

2009-12-14T17:11:00.003-06:00

I've been having some very selfish thoughts lately. But I just see them so clearly; I can't help myself!
It's this visualization stuff. It just gets more and more vivid and clear.

I am very grateful to have grasped a pretty deep understanding of this life journey we make. I sit here today, 26 and feeling quite mature, remembering how mature I felt when I was 24. And then I think about how I could not have been more different two years ago. Every day I am learning, adjusting, responding, reflecting, commenting, improving. Which leads me to conclude that in two more years, I might be an entirely different person. How exciting!

So now I see the present as this fleeting thing. It just keeps rolling away from under me. One moment its 8am and I am drinking coffee and starting a new day, and then its 4pm and I am home and eager to relax and unwind. And before I know it, the sun has set and it's 9:30, time to start thinking about bed. It's just passing by so fast. I don't think I can live in the present moment anymore. It's quite exhausting! Instead, I have been thinking a lot about the future. Specifically, I have been thinking about the different twists and turns I may take along the way, each step getting stronger and better adjusted and more compassionate.

Step One is to give as much as I can at my current job. I definitely see the need to develop a strong curriculum and to inspire students to find an outlet through the performing arts; somewhere they can express their individuality and connect with others. I hope that sharing my knowledge and skills at work teaches me lessons as well. Lessons that lead me to my next step in life.

Eventually I will feel that there isn't much left for me at Ellis. Perhaps the days will grow monotonous, or it no longer feels like a challenge to achieve my goals. It is then that I will seek new opportunities, packing up the lessons and experiences and moving on.

And here is where the visualizations kick in. They are so vivid - down to the very last detail. When I think about the details and setting of this next chapter, I feel tingly with anticipation. Last night, in the quiet moments before I fell asleep, my mind was alive with pictures. It was almost as though I was Scrooge, being offered a glimpse of the future. It was so realistic, and the more I wanted it to be real, the more details I imagined

It was perfect. It was me and Kyle. We lived in Chicago with our kitties in an apartment with steps that led up to it. I seemed very peaceful and happy; there did not seem to be a presence of stress or anxiety at all. Kyle was working pretty steadily as an actor in the city; I was working as a choreographer for a college or small theater company. This is a job that is stable and profitable enough to make ends meet comfortably, but nothing more extravagant than that. It allows me to be creative and expressive, working with serious theater/dance students. I would teach classes during the day and choreograph the shows at night.

That is the synopsis of the whole story, with lots of details, friends, and locations filling in the empty spaces.

In the few short months it took me to become extremely inspired to become more generous, frugal, creative, positive, and open-minded, my life has progressed at lightening speed. I have changed into a person who is almost unrecognizable, and my life experiences are completely different, even day by day. At the rate I'm going, I don't think I could imagine who I could be after 4-6 years of generosity, money saving, creativity, positivity, and open-mindedness. Those are such powerful words and could change a nation, or a world, even. Who knows what could happen to one small person.

But I am so excited. Just...so excited. Life feels like it has just begun in a way.

Holiday Musings.

2009-12-06T23:49:00.002-06:00

It's been quite awhile since I've blogged. Things are going quite great.

Work is swell. We had an Arts Festival that was a huge success! It was a rewarding experience for everyone involved and brought a strong sense of camaraderie to our school. Now only 10 days left of school until Winter Break! I can't believe this school year has whizzed by so fast. The languid, idyllic days of August seem like only moments ago sometimes. After Winter Break my musical theater class will be putting on a concert in March and then we are doing Seussical Jr. after that! (Whew!)

Kyle and I are anticipating his graduation next weekend and hoping to celebrate with a getaway weekend of sorts. We saw a terrific band at Kryptonite the other night - Strange Arrangement - some of the best live music I have ever seen in my life! They are playing next weekend in Chicago so we are trying to make that work.

Kyle and I are feeling mellow about the holidays. All we seem to see during the holidays is the stress, and we're just not going to be participating in that this year. We see no point in going to the mall or any other shopping destination. We are taking it upon ourselves (as a creative endeavor) to use only our resources and a necessary portion of our already humble cash flow. When we started to talk about it a few nights ago, we got excited. Forcing ourselves to think outside the box produced thoughtful and appropriate gift ideas that will be stimulating and enjoyable to put together. It should be a fun and rewarding holiday this year!

Man I've got choreography on the brain. I want to watch it, talk about it, make it up, listen to music, everything. I think about when I was little and would entertain myself by playing dress up, putting on music, and dancing. I would imagine the performance: lights, formations, costumes. And now I am working so closely with our new dance teacher, Cyndi, who is an inspiration to work with on a daily basis, as well as all of these new choreography opportunities getting started in Durand. Right now, all I want is time to connect with music and really great headphones. Old music, music I've never head of, music I am just getting in to. But I've got 10 days of school to truck through first before I can let the creative juices flow. I'm starting to feel really antsy for Winter Break. I guess I should be thankful that I am feeling that now, instead of in October...

Signing off for now.

We'll have fun fun fun.

2009-11-02T18:00:00.002-06:00

Funny how a change of scenery makes all the difference.

What a different world I live in from the world I became so accustomed to this summer. Now the sun sets at 5pm. Now I wrap up in fleece, flannel, and wool to keep myself warm. Now there are concerts, festivals, classes, meetings, rehearsals. Now my only free time is on the weekends.

Have I changed since this summer? Of course.
But I don't feel worse. Or negative.

I feel so accomplished. I love my job and I love teaching, which makes the days flash by in a snap.
I feel so heathy. I have been doing so much moving, dancing, teaching, stretching, eating only when needed, not so much caffeine. As a teacher, you NEED that. Otherwise you just face plant and the kids run circles around you.
I feel positive and mostly rested (amazing). Perhaps that is what comes from finding inner peace and clarity - true clarity: that feeing of knowing exactly what you want and when you want it.

Visualize what you want and hang on to that picture. Print it out or paint it if you have to. (The more I look at trees, the more trees I see, the more beautiful they look, etc). The more you visualize, the more it will surround you - seriously!

Communicate honestly and assertively.

Keep your heart filled with love. If it starts to get low, remind yourself of something you're grateful for.
It is the season of Thanksgiving, after all.

Happy Holidays!

live high, live mighty, live righteously. takin' it easy...

2009-10-18T16:20:00.004-05:00

fall has me feeling extremely creative, inspired, and philosophical.

next time you feel your temper rise, stop everything and ask yourself to find the positive. rephrase your negativity into what you're really feeling. maybe you feel disappointed, frustrated, fed-up, stressed out. whatever it is, it never gives you the right to spread it around to other people. never suppress emotions or apologize for being upset; it's human nature. but instead of blowing up and pushing everyone around you away, reach out for their help.

"i'm sorry, i'm just so upset about this. it really disappointed me." or "i'm sorry, i just have so much going on at work. it's hard for me to put a lot of thought into other things right now." or "i'm sorry, i just need to calm down for a minute. all of this stuff is really overwhelming me."

and then talk it out.

it will change everything, i promise.

sick kitty with a happy ending.

2009-09-21T23:29:00.005-05:00

sick little gus. my sweet baby.

rushed to the vet friday because he kept trying (in agonizing pain) to wee all over the house. the vet said he has FLUTD - Feline Lower Urinary Tract Disorder.

incurable. :( BUT treatable & preventable.

fortunately, he had prompt medical attention and was given a new diet and heavy painkillers to make him loopy. i spent the weekend nursing my little guy and watching him suffer. it was terrible.

his suffering motivated me to devote this weekend to converting our dirty basement storage room into a living room. got lucky at garage sales & salvation army/goodwill, went crazy with my wetjet, threw out a lot of garbage, and moved 2 couches (one has a bed!), 2 comfy chairs, a huge area rug, a coffee table, and various other lighting/decor effects and now i am writing to you from my cozy new living space.

and i have a very happy little kitty (who is feeling MUCH better) snoozing on his blankie. he had a tiring day of playing and exploring in the new basement. his new diet seems to have done wonders for his little system & i am so happy to have my little orange kitty back to normal. both of my kitties are smothering me with love & gratitude. i knew living with 4 cats was going to be rough. i'm glad i got this basement opened up to give them all a little more room to spread out and claim.

my kitties deserve it. after all, they are my little rays of sunshine every day. and just in case i had forgotten, this weekend reminded me of how precious they are to me.

happy monday night. :)

lights will guide you home & ignite your bones

2009-09-14T00:36:00.005-05:00

it takes an explosion to break something apart
to shatter into pieces all over the floor
in a really messy disarray

it takes some putting back together again
picking up the pieces and counting 1-2-3
sorting into piles and working into place
there were a lot of pieces

it takes the healing power of time
erasing thoughts, purging chemicals
easing up & starting fresh
and just go one day at a time.

the explosion was thursday. now, we fix.

things i might have done, complete with photos.

2009-08-30T13:58:00.027-05:00

one memorial day to one labor day. the summer of 2009.
no longer the gently-passing moments of the present, but now a completed story: an entity.
it now has a name. it has music and smells and tastes that are associated with it. it is now the past.

it started with absorbing and photographing sunlight everywhere i went. sprinkled through the budding tree branches, washing over saturated blue skies, and sparkling over the surface of the rock river.

the sun peeking through the trees in late may

and the days became languid. heavy with warm air and endless sunlight, enchanted with fireflies and fluffy clouds. my nights became later as my body fell happily into its natural biologic rhythm. any notion of a schedule was far from my mind.

it became obvious that i would accompany kyle to the suburbs almost every day, where he was earning a living as an actor in the marriott's 25th annual putnam county spelling bee. my daily trips to the suburb became my times of inspiration and enlightenment. those beautiful clouds never quit, and the northwestern suburbs are packed with forest preserves to read books under trees in. i shared a silent and magical moment in a prairie with a deer and spent many lazy afternoons in the sunlight at the marriott pool. beautiful, beautiful memories.

a deer in the suburbs

a brilliant blue pool all to myself, day after day

then came the 4th of july. my beloved aaron was in town for the festivities, and my brother, susan, danielle, and more joined the celebration. the hazy rain put a damper on our cookout plans, but we still made quite a feast for our guests and walked from our apartment downtown to the jefferson street bridge, where we had the most beautiful view.

shopping for our independence day feast

our romantic spot

stunning view

when kyle finished spelling bee, the trips began. he and i were free to roam wherever we pleased day after day. we saw 6 cardinals game (st. louis twice, milwaukee three times, and philadelphia once). we drove to zion, IL to take in the beauty of lake michigan and the amazing clouds. we road tripped to pennsylvania for a jason mraz/dave matthews concert. we saw some of the most beautiful stretches of highway in the midwest. we listened to hours and hours of endless music. we walked on sand, skipped stones, tailgated in the mud, watched sunsets, chased storms, witnessed floods. all amazing and unforgettable experiences.

clouds from the highway

a stormy sky over the illinois river bridge near lasalle, IL

my favorite buddy to root for the cardinals with

beautiful sunset over busch stadium in st. louis, MO

under the arch in st. louis

pennsylvania mountains from our campground

dave matthews concert in hershey, PA

clouds hanging over the pennsylvania mountains

clouds to take your breath away over lake michigan in zion, IL

with my soulmate at the edge of illinois

eventually, the wanderlust faded. the money was all spent. and mine and kyle's jet-setting days were traded in for long, lazy days spent doing absolutely nothing but staying in bed for movie marathons, making delicious meals, taking walks, playing with the kitties, and enjoying having our apartment to ourselves. these days dragged by, but they were also the catalyst for some of the amazing and intimate bonding experiences kyle and i shared. i don't think we've ever connected as closely as we did this summer.

our resting spot while hiking @ rock cut state park

enjoying the fact that his mom has a pool

our official drink of summer: arizona sweet tea chased by arizona mango madness - YUM.

breakfast on the porch: grilled panini with apricot halves

the end of summer brought a few scattered activities and some family time. it ended with a bang at the jason mraz concert at the charter one pavilion in chicago, IL. it was video taped for a live album release this fall (!), and we waited in line ALL DAY LONG, earning us front-row-center spots. probably the most amazing day of my life.

dear friends new and old

oh, hi jason mraz

peace. love. music. summer...

which brings us to labor day 2009. and back to school. and autumn.
these are not all bad things.

labor day was lovely. a trip to milwaukee (just like how summer started on memorial day) to watch the cardinals beat the brewers, then to chicago to be entertained by my brother's band, the paradigm, who played at the red line tap.

back to school is perfectly all right. i need the productivity to remind me how beautiful summer will be when it rolls beguilingly back around. i'm having an amazing year so far. i'm really connecting with my students and having success after success with my lessons and activities. i am determined to build the drama program at ellis into something substantial! sure, my schedule is rough. never enough sleep, never enough time, a to-do list that adds items faster than i can check them off, and that's only school related. there's also durand, boyfriend, cleaning house, taking care of kitties, showering, running errands. yeah. it's hectic. but as i said, if summer lasted forever, it would stop being so sweet.

and autumn is always beautiful. i look forward to the colors of paradise. i look forward to watching the leaves fall to the ground revealing twisted and mystic trees silhouetted against the sky. i look forward to eating chili and stew and apple cider. i look forward to having a warm, cozy home, welcoming the holidays with a positive attitude and a heart full of love and gratitude.

life has become steady. finally.

so this posting is my ode to summer. my sorrowful farewell to the most incredible and happy nights of my life.
a promise to never ever forget.

"summer breeze, well it makes me feel fine, blowin' through the jasmine in my mind..."

"wake up sleepy head, i think the sun’s a little brighter today.
smile, and watch the icicles melt away and see the waters rising
summer’s here to stay, and that sweet summer breeze will blow forever.
go down to the shore, kick off your shoes, dive in the empty ocean."

"good day sunlight, i'd like to say how truly bright you are
you don't know me but i know you. you're my favorite star.
follow you i will so lets get moving"

8.5 months. but who's counting.

curbing emotion

2009-08-21T10:43:00.009-05:00

so, summer has ended. is ending. will end. monday i go back to school. the end of summer will bring a sad & beautiful blog, but i'm still in denial (school doesn't OFFICIALLY start until monday, so i have 3 days...), so instead, i am going to blog about something on a lighter note.

MASCARA!!

if you didn't know or assume this about me, i am a mascara-guru who is quite picky about her eyelashes. i've had a few trusty brands, such as:

max factor 2000 calorie mascara (used this endlessly in college)

l'oreal volume shocking mascara (too high maitenance, but amazing results!)

maybelline colossal volum' mascara (the old trusty in my adult years)

but now, i have found a new lash-mate.

i recently picked up this one:

l'oreal extra volume collagen mascara

and it's my new favorite! this oversized wand makes me feel like i am a little girl using my mom's mascara, and when the brush glides over your lashes, it feels so big and fat that my eyelashes haven't a chance of staying thin and blonde.

exceptional!!

gush

2009-07-28T23:44:00.001-05:00

jason mraz's "the remedy", reggae-style live @ hersheypark stadium in PA. i love it. actually more like obsessed.
and i was there!!

road trip aftermath

2009-07-28T11:56:00.004-05:00

so our big summer road trip was shortened to 4 days instead of two weeks, and thank god for that. i had no idea how rough that highway road could be. i'm glad we went; we learned a lot about ourselves and our coping abilities and we also had a few breathtaking moments amidst it all. but here are some things we encountered along the road trip from IL to PA.

1. TOLLS

it cost $146 to drive from IL to PA and back. it cost $90 in tolls. N-I-N-E-T-Y dollars. i mean, that cannot be legal. pennsylvania was by far the most expensive. for a highway crammed with trucks and major highway construction across the whole state (55mph was about as fast as i drove in PA), it should have been free. instead, the state of PA charged me around $45 to use it's turnpike. ROBBERY. i'll never go back.

2. PHILADELPHIA

the worst city in the united states. in the two hours we spent there, we dealt with heavy traffic congestion, 100 degree weather, obnoxious tailgating fans, and extremely poor sportsmanship inside the phillies stadium. i have been to several baseball stadiums, and NEVER have i seen so many reminders flash across the megatron instructing the fans to maintain orderly conduct. sheesh. isn't that the general code of being an adult? the fans were pointing lasers at the cardinals players in the middle of the game, causing game delays in extremely excruciating and uncomfortable heat. i mean come on. the experience was so terrible that we left the game early in order to just get out of philly and go home. turns out, a man was BEATEN TO DEATH at the game we were at.

3. FLOODS & HOTELS

so it's dark. and we've been driving since 7:30am from rockford, IL. and we can't get to our (paid for) campsite because the roads are flooded. all of them, apparently. because every way we tried to get to the campground was blocked due to flooding. strange places, rushing water, police lights, confused gps, upside down maps. all of this was far too much for us to handle, so we had to throw down an unplanned $90 for a hotel. for a little peace of mind and a soft, dry surface to sit on, though, it was pretty much worth it. what is with hotels charging full rates for traveler's who check in at 11:30pm? i mean, are we really going to take $90 worth of showers. dirty $90 worth of sheets? eat $90 worth of continental breakfasts (not if that means waking up before 9am). i could see paying $90 to enjoy the comfort of a hotel all day long: a place to store your stuff, swim, work out, relax, etc. but just to walk in, set bags down, pee, and sleep?? ridiculous. that hotel should have cost us $49.

we actually wound up wasting a night of camping (2 night minimum stay = no refund). on the way home, we actually checked into another hotel room, but this one was pretty much planned. we tried to find the crappiest (while still safe) looking one, and so we landed at a ramada in breezewood, PA. everything about the place screamed $54.99, so i walked in to check it out. sure enough, $54 was what i was quoted, and a $54 room was what we got. hard to find, smelly, shady, run-down, no pool, stains on the carpet, etc. i get home to check my bank account, and apparently that ramada charged me $84.

i guess that's what happens when you have an employee who doesn't speak excellent english at the front desk. $84 sounded like $54. i just paid $84 to spend 12 hours at one of the crappiest facilities in the united states. seriously. what a waste!

moving on:

4. JASON MRAZ + DMB IN CONCERT

absolutely amazing. it left me breathless. watching the sun set over a crazy crowd of music-infused fans was magical. it was a peaceful celebration of music and beauty. so wonderful, that now we have tickets to see mraz in concert on august 13 in chicago. i am so excited - it's the ONLY thing on my mind.

so that's pretty much all that needs to be said. there were jokes and conversations, of course, along the endless stretch of highway. beautiful rolling mountains topped with foggy wisps. tailgating after a torrential downpour before the concert, laughing and dancing and covered with mud. meeting friendly people from out east who spoke like they were from jersey and laughed at our silly midwestern accents.

driving is exhausting. and boring. camping requires too much packing. sleeping bags, food, supplies. the car was a constant stressor; packing, unpacking, repacking. the weather was mostly miserable. wet and soggy and flooded taking turns with relentless humid summer sun, the kind of heat and humidity that NO human would be comfortable in.

but it was an experience. a story to tell. a memory of sweet summer.

the music made it worthwhile.

next time, we'll drive somewhere else.

and see what happens.

pictures up soon on my facebook...

vent

2009-07-23T00:01:00.002-05:00

1. people drinking beer out of my glasses on my back porch.

2. uninvited guests spending another night on my couch with their bare feet on my expensive throw pillows, sleeping under my blanket.

3. people talking to my kitties.

4. 5 people sharing a bathroom.

5. a bird tweeting - nay, shrieking - nonstop.

6. pms.

7. coke cans not on coasters (i don't drink coke).

8. constant crumbs on my kitchen counter. i've cleaned them up three times now, and still haven't eaten in my kitchen in two days.

9. belongings. all. over. my. apartment. my apartment that i keep meticulously clean during the summer.

10. the tv blaring nonstop.

11. people playing my board games.

12. other people's hair all over my shower.

13. 5 people using the 1 tube of toothpaste in our apartment (and i bought that toothpaste).

14. piano banging. and banging.

15. bodies splayed across my living room couches.

all this, and i leave for vacation tomorrow.

i've done nothing but sob and freak out all day.

i couldn't be less excited to go on vacation. not while i am too mad to concentrate on what i need to pack. not while there are a thousand annoying voices in my mind, canceling out the voice in my own head.

this has RUINED my summer. my delirious summer that felt like a dreamworld everyday.

IT'S TIME FOR THE ROOMMATE TO MOVE OUT.

time traveler's wife

2009-07-12T05:29:00.005-05:00

it's sunrise.

there's this gentle blue-lavender light that has softly begun to fill my bedroom. it started as just a dim glow, only just outlining shadows and contours around me, and now it has relaxed into a magical presence.

it's really not so magical. it's weird. being up at this time is not much different than being up at any other time. doors make the same sound when they click shut, air conditioners whirr, items remain where you left them. i guess i used to think that the night was more forbidden and captivating.

i am sitting up in my bed, unable to sleep yesterday away. my eyes feel dry and they burn when i close them, but my body is in the mood for a walk.

i could write a story, or make some tea. but i just want to sit here. i want to sit here, breathing in and out, forcing time to slow down.

i am thinking about how much i love this person that shares this bed with me every night. even now, completely asleep, i want to bury my nose into his smell and burrow my body next to his and keep trapping these fleeting (but incredible), dear moments forever.

i just finished an amazing, amazing novel. and i won't ever forget it. and in this serene, dawn-lit moment of my life, i have never ever been happier.

strawberry fields forever.

2009-06-27T12:22:00.002-05:00

these days, my mind is like a polaroid picture, cotton dresses on the clothesline, fireflies at night.

my days are slow and lazy, filled with delicious food, beautiful scenery, and the boy i love.

we drive, we sleep, we read, we relax, we laugh.

both of us are at places in our life that make us very happy and comfortable, so it's wonderful to be able to see and feel the impact it has on our relationship. we are always smiling, always hugging, always saying meaningful things to one another, taking the time to really listen to each other and to choose our words carefully.

i have been living in cotton sundresses, thin and cool in the summertime. in sun-faded patterns of blue, white, and yellow.

my legs are tan.

i drink about a gallon of iced tea a day.

i read books poolside under the sun.

i have time to stretch every day.

beatles, dave matthews, jason mraz, the doors, skynyrd, marley, stones, sublime...these make up the soundtrack of my days now.

i take 2 minutes to get ready. or an hour, if i so choose.

i cheer on the st. louis cardinals.

i visit the goodwill once a week.

i. love. summer.

paradise.

2009-06-17T00:19:00.003-05:00

...and then i found this to match it, and i'm absolutely drooling.

::sigh:: can i really spend $118 on this?

inspirations and purchases.

2009-06-16T23:40:00.003-05:00

my first purchase on ETSY!!! (borders and logo not a part of the print)

bought because of the epiphanic idea i suddenly imagined for my first novel.
and yes, it's about mermaids.

that's all the information i can provide at this time. ;)

yard sale this week!

2009-06-10T01:30:00.000-05:00

please come!

http://rockford.craigslist.org/gms/1209812031.html

updated summer project list.

2009-06-07T12:02:00.004-05:00

1. have a yard sale. i am cleaning out my closets, selling almost all of my clothes, shoes, accessories, and other miscellaneous items in an attempt to start fresh. the yard sale is this coming thursday and friday, 10-5 each day. come on out!

2. write a novel. after telling a story (based on true events in my life) to some friends the other night, they both stared at me, mouths open, as the long and compelling story finally came to a close. "whoa." said one of them. "you, like, need to write that into a novel." and it was like an epiphany. of course i should write that story into a novel. it's an autobiography, and expose, a suspenseful story. a story that i feel the need to share with people over and over and over. a story that i can visualize (a story that i can't stop visualizing). in my youth, i ALWAYS wrote. always. i ran home from school to the computer, typing as fast as my fingers would allow me to as tried to write as fast as i thought (i never did). the adults around me thought all of that writing would lead me to a writing career, but for some reason, the writing came to an abrupt stop when high school and college took over and after all the papers and assignments, writing grew to be a chore. isn't that sad? education ripped my passion for writing away from me. now that it's been a few years since i've been in school, i've felt those old familiar feelings tingle back into my fingertips, so i've decided its time. seriously. this summer i will write my novel.

3. book clubs. the second my schedule gets crazy, books (sadly) are the first thing to go. when the lazy summer finally rolls around again, i finally have the time to get back into reading. kyle too. and this summer, we're taking it seriously. i've already knocked out two books (water for elephants by sara gruen and kissing in manhattan by david schickler, both excellent books). the most fun part has been reading and discussing, so kyle and i made our own book club of sorts. that combined with the other book club that i will pop in and out of, means lots of reading all summer. awesome. and to compliment this project, i am buying a beautiful new book case from craigslist. a tall skinny one to match a tall skinny wall to fill with old and new books. i intend it to be a book case for sharing, for keeping, for displaying, and for talking about.

4. re-decorating. AP moves out in july, leaving a few empty spaces where furniture used to be, and also leaving me with the opportunity to take a fresh look at the apartment i've spent the last year cluttering up. it really is a pretty place to live in, and i really should be better about making it look nice. first things first, i am only going to decorate/design our living space with important and meaningful things. art print from my dear friend danielle. photographs i've taken while out exploring. broadway posters from shows we've seen. no more gathering and nesting. this project goes along with #1. it's time to purge and rethink.

5. planning for my second year of teaching. i loved - LOVED - my job this year. and i'm so excited to return in the fall. i can't wait to NOT be the new teacher. to start fresh. to reinvent some ideas and to come up with new ones altogether. but if i'm going to be successful, i need to do A LOT of planning beforehand, instead of winging everything on the spot like i did last year. last year was basically about survival. next year it can be so much more, so the time to start planning is NOW. little by little, bit by bit, i will plan and gather supplies this summer so that i am ready to come back with a bang next year.

right now it feels like too much planning and not enough doing. which is why today will be spent writing loose curriculum outlines, starting a new book (i love you, beth cooper by larry doyle).

check out the ad for my yard sale here: http://rockford.craigslist.org/gms/1209812031.html

oh, and go see the hangover. it's a fricking hilarious movie.

long awaited.

2009-06-03T23:17:00.005-05:00

::sigh::

how awful i've been.

it's just that my time has been so luxuriously spent, soaking up sunshine, driving lazily down the highway, losing myself in the paradise of my lover...

i've been spending my evenings and weekends driving kyle into the suburbs, where he is in a show all summer. our day trips go something like this: we grab a bite to eat, hit the interstate and listen to music together (sometimes talking, sometimes not), then i drop kyle off at his show, spend two delicious hours at barnes & noble or at one of the many forest preserves or parks in the area, and then i go pick him up.

our spend-the-night trips are a little more fun. i drive kyle in, drop him off, explore the suburbs, pick kyle up, we go drink wine at biaggi's, then hang out with adam until we fall asleep at his house.

it feels like vacation.

it's been wonderful.

and tomorrow is my last day of school. so tomorrow, at 3:30pm, it is officially summer.

i've got a big smile on my face.

welcome to the night.

2009-05-13T00:45:00.006-05:00

ugggh i hate these blogs. the obligatory blog that has to cover SO MUCH important material, being that the reason you haven't blogged in forever in the first place is because of all the crazy and meaningful things that have been taking up your time.

alas, i will try to be brief (especially as it is 81 degrees out right now).

1. SWEET SMELL OF SUCCESS

take-my-breath-away, heart-stoppingly amazing.

a year's worth of thought. of casual mentions or deep dissections. always something that was coming up in the future. something to anticipate, something to work for.

and then it was postponed, perhaps even cancelled. what if it had been cancelled? never ever seen or discovered? it makes me shudder to think of it.

so i finally got to meet jj hunsecker. sidney falcone. susan.

ok, if you don't know what i'm talking about, i am referring to rockford college's sweet smell of success, which was kyle's senior seminar show. it has been a year since kyle found out he would be playing this role. a year's worth of thought, research, complaining, working.

and thursday night, i sat in the audience.

and i have decided that i am an incredibly lucky girl.

i'm lucky because i watch musicals all the time. and musicals are magical. i don't care who you are; you cannot - CANNOT - say that musicals don't move you. pick any part of the magic: swelling music, haunting melodies, beautiful story lines, the dancing, the movement. i don't see how you can sit through a musical and not be moved. and frankly, i pity the person who can't be moved. what a sad life it must be to sit through a musical and feel nothing.

i'm lucky because kyle d. adams is my boyfriend. and it's the coolest thing to date an actor. just when you think you know someone, they show you this new layer, this new character inside of them. and its like you get to rediscover their personality. and i'm lucky to have kyle because he introduces me to all of these new and beautiful stories and all of this new and beautiful music. my life would be so stripped of its beauty and culture if not for him. not to mention i would be a sorrowful girl without him.

as i watched this gripping, dark, and compelling story, i completely fell in love with the characters, the era, the music, and the costumes. like, to a notably obsessive level. sweet smell of success was all i thought about for a solid week after the performance. job well done EVERYONE. i was moved, transformed, amazed, spellbound.

which brings me to....

2. ANOTHER SUMMER PROJECT

i'm about to shock you.

ok, so picture me, amanda. i know all the little things come to mind, but no matter how you know me, i'd like to think that you all would definitely think of my passion for all things vintage. it has always been an obsession of mine. i love all things 20's, all things glamorous, all things 40's, 50's, everything. photography, fashion (especially), culture, language, artifacts, music: EVERYTHING VINTAGE.

so guess what. i've barely seen ANY old movies. i mean, besides wizard of oz, i don't think there is any other movie that i've seen that was made before 1970. honestly. gone with the wind? nope. casablanca? nope. streetcar named desire? nope. NONE of them.

shameful, i know.

so my new and exciting summer project is to brush up on all the old movie classics. i want to know the stars, see the clothes, hear the music, experience exactly what used to entertain the masses. i find it all so fascinating, beautiful, romantic, classy, and glamorous.

kyle and i already started with fred & ginger's last movie together, the barkley's of broadway. it was wonderful. incredible. i wept like three times during it just because of it's sheer vintage-ness.. i

this project is LONG overdue. i can't wait to fill my nights with a million yesteryears.

3. WILLY WONKA

it's over!! and it was great. well, depending on who you ask. if you ask me, i wanted to kill myself though every show. missed entrances, dropped lines, slow set changes, sound problems. but the audience and community LOVED it. and i really realized that it was about the EXPERIENCE, not the process. at the end of the day, i had kids singing their hearts out onstage. i had built a camaraderie between my cast members. i had gotten my students to show up. to memorize lines.

my boss was ecstatic, and that was a GREAT feeling. this experience has left me feeling proud, and i'm going to embrace that for a little while. this is the first time i have felt proud of myself in my career and its a damn good feeling. i am so happy with this year at ellis arts academy and I CAN'T WAIT for next year.

wow. that wasn't too bad. i'd like to close with some sort of conclusive paragraph that links these three topics together into something witty and meaningful, but as i already stated, it's 81 degrees outside. and i have a hot boyfriend in a straw fedora sitting next to me. and a cold beer to drink. so i'm out.

summer to-do.

2009-05-04T19:21:00.015-05:00

1. CLOSET CLEAN-OUT SALE

i am taking the first week of summer to purge - i mean PURGE - my closet. i have SO many clothes. really. it's out of control.

i hardly ever buy things at full price, which i have found to be detrimental to my wallet and closet space. i would rather buy 3 so-so shirts at 6.97 each than 1 awesome shirt that i LOVE at 24.00. what i take home, then, are 3 so-so shirts that rarely get worn and take up three times the space of the 24.00 shirt that i would wear all the time. i would rather buy jeans that "work" for 13.00 rather than jeans i LOVE for 40.00. another pair of jeans thrown on the pile, hardly getting worn. i would rather buy a hundred sundresses than ten really pretty ones. it seems, apparently, that i would rather hoard shit than collect treasure. how do i stop?!

i am hoping that i can find the answer with a closet clean-out sale. if it hasn't been worn this year, it's gone. if it's imperfect (kinda baggy, too short, etc.), it's gone. anything that makes me look at it and not love it is reason enough to sell it. i want my closet space back. i want to open the closet and see luxurious clothes that i love and can't wait to mix and match and wear. right now i feel like every day is a battle to search for the perfect combination.

the profits will NOT go to a new wardrobe. well, maybe. i am trying to be a better shopper. before i buy an article of clothing, i ask myself this question:

"amanda, would you rather have 12.99 or this button-down?"

"would you rather keep the 5.99 or own the flip-flops?"

sometimes (ok most of the time), the "question system" backfires. cause as i am standing in the store, no doubt in front of the clearance rack, it's hard to argue keeping 5.99 when you could have another target shirt. a target shirt that will inevitably lose it's shape and sink to the bottom of the drawer.

i think it's something about the newness of clothes that i love. just knowing that it's BRAND NEW makes me want it. never washed, never paired unfortunately with a skirt that will make you sort of hate it forever, never thrown on the floor, never seen by anyone i know. newness is a horrible thing to be addicted to because it disappears almost instantly. in fact, i'm not even to the parking lot yet and the article has lost it's appeal because i don't WANT it anymore.

how do you fix this addiction!?

i'm hoping the yard sale will help me refresh my outlook and become a wiser shopper. quantity is no longer quality.

so HEY! if you'd like to come check out my sale, it will be at my parents house the second week of june (probably). i want that to be the first item i check off my list of summer to-dos. there will be lots of shoes, purses, dresses, clothes, home decor, maybe even some seasonal stuff. reasonably priced and probably almost brand-new.

::sigh:: i'm feeling relieved already.

2. A MORNING ROOM

with AP moving out, i will be losing a table in this sort-of "undefined" room in my house. with that table gone, i will be gaining a blank canvas. after tossing around some ideas, i think i have finally settled on the idea of a morning room. i came across the notion while idly scanning through an internet search of "vintage rooms". i saw a photo titled "1920's morning room", which then led me to google "morning room." what a quaint idea! granted, morning rooms are for grand mansions or affluent folk, but who's to say i can't design one in my cute little apartment?! so i imagine that my morning room will include a comfortable place to sit and eat breakfast together on the weekend, or a place to relax a read a book or pay bills. i'm thinking a chaise with an end table and a cafe table.

3. A NEW T.V.

a trip to dan and becca's apartment taught me that it's been awhile since i t.v. shopped. apparently, i can get a flat screen HDTV for the price i paid for my non-HDTV three years ago. i think it's time to upgrade and move the other one to the basement.

4. DANCE CLASS & YOGA

with no tap dancing or musical theater to keep me in shape this summer, i MUST take action. i already enjoy yoga, but i don't really do it to it's fullest very often. maybe a camel pose or a downward dog here and there, but never a full amount of practice, which doesn't even really count. so this summer there will be more yoga, because i really want to see and feel the effects, physically and mentally.

the other thing is dance class. i've had the beautiful opportunity to watch some dance performances lately. strong, powerful bodies twisting and stretching to express the story of a song. bending and jumping, showing off nimble movement and astounding flexibility. i remember EXACTLY how it feels.

walking onstage and taking my pose, waiting nervously for the music to start, but feeling physically prepared. as i hear the familiar melody take shape, i transcend. i am existing to express a story, a musical line, a body part, a movement. dancing is so beautiful. it makes you strong and sculpts your muscles into stone. it makes your eyes fill with tears as you feel the rhythm, music, and passion coincide into one verb.

i miss it so much. i am thankful every. single. day. that i am a dancer.

so this summer i am thinking about going back to my dance academy and taking a class or two. the only thing is, i'm terrified. terrified i will be horribly out of shape. terrified of putting myself out there, of not knowing anyone.

anyone want to take a dance class with me? i need moral support!

there are lots of other things, big and small on my summer agenda. beer cap mosaic, road trip planning, walks in the park, finding a part-time job.

but for now, this is enough. i don't want to overwhelm my summer with projects!

first and foremost, summer will be about relaxing and purifying my physical and mental health. but along with that, inevitably, will come fun in the warm summer air and productivity after a few days of boredom.

"so tedious is this day, as is the night before some festival to an impatient child that hath new robes and may not wear them." - shakespeare

in other words - how much longer until summer?!

birthday blog.

2009-04-28T14:32:00.002-05:00

i'm 26 today! and that's okay. 25 was much worse. although i definitely didn't get any younger this year, i am starting to embrace the fact that i will never be a teenager again. i am a lady now.

being a "getting-close-to-thirty" year old is absolutely okay.

today i drove to work in my new '89 subaru hatchback and stopped at hilander to buy snacks and lunch. no classes until 10:45 (niiice!). when i got to school, i was greeted by so many coworkers and students, with little birthday treats and offerings and well-wishes; it was so charming. and then i taught my first class how to play apples and apples and shared my bag of blow-pops. the next class watched my all-time favorite movie with me (that thing you do), and now it's my planning time and i'm blogging. once willy wonka rehearsal is over after school, i will have some time to (DRIVE!) home and relax. dinner with mom at the olympic tavern and maybe a little shopping. then drinks and celebration with some of my best friends.

it's a terrific day!

i just wish kyle could be around more. i won't see him until 11 or so...:(

short and sweet today, i have to go enjoy the rest of this lovely day!

new show!!

2009-04-25T18:09:00.001-05:00

jolly holidays and free stuff.

2009-04-21T15:11:00.001-05:00

a jolly holiday in the city.

sadly, it’s been almost a week since last wednesday when i spontaneously used my last personal day for a little personal fun. my mom was taking her students on a field trip and asked kyle and me to join her. kyle wasn’t able to go, which disappointed me at first, but then i made up my mind to venture into chicago alone, and what a lovely day for an afternoon in the city it turned out to be.

how refreshing to turn left onto e. state street instead of right on a wednesday morning! how carefree it feels to zip along i90, listening to exactly your choice of music!

zooming confidently into the city alone, i was proud to maneuver myself through the crazy hubbub to the exact spot where i had to meet mom. after a lovely little lunch, i discovered that the forever21 store on michigan avenue was about a block away, so i got to spend a lazy hour shopping! a few terrific dresses and a pair of pants later, i was on my way to see mary poppins starring ashley brown and gavin lee, the mary poppins and bert that i got to see on broadway!

having not liked it the first time through, i was leery as to whether or not i would enjoy myself at all the second time through. but it was even better! ashley brown is amazingly talented and poised, and gavin lee delivers relentless sophistication and merriment.

after the show, i hovered around in hopes of snagging an autograph or two. i got both ashley’s and gavin’s, which excited me. then back to the car with a pitsop at woodfield on the way home for another little shopping spree.

it was a fabulous day. i’m not sure why, but i learned a lot about myself and enjoyed being independent for a change. it put me in a bright and optimistic mood, complete with a twinge of depression upon coming back home to the daily grind.

there have been other blog-worthy events since then. friday and saturday night were spent downtown at the spring art scene, and that entailed drinks, art & photography, familiar faces, and a screen print t-shirt featuring artwork by javier jiminez.

on saturday afternoon, kyle’s frugal eyes spotted a full-size reclining leather couch on the curb of some mansion’s house. A COUCH?! A TAN LEATHER COUCH FOR FREE?! long story short, we got the landlord on our side (he has a truck), and snatched that nice little find right up. it took about an hour to reconfigure our living room, but once it was all settled, we celebrated! we have seating!

the story continues with Monday afternoon, when i picked up kyle from school. he had adam and andy with him, and i brought them all home to hang out. when we had parked on the street outside our house, kyle spotted another couch down the street a bit on the curb. “wait,” he said. “there’s a couch down there for free.”

so, really, why wouldn’t we all walk down there? upon inspection, we deemed this new couch just as good (if not better) than the first one, and so those three boys picked it up and carried it off. HAHA. as we walked up the block back to our house, the owners drove by, honking and waving, instructing us to enjoy that couch. “we will!” we shouted.

this one took much less fuss to get in the house, and only a little more rearranging.

but now, with two new (FREE!) couches, we finally have a lounge. yes, folks, a lounge. not a living room. lounge.

so it’s almost perfect. tonight i need to buy a few essential things to maximize the design and style of the room. new area rug, a few throw pillows, get some artwork framed. modern with a vintage vibe.

because that’s just the way we roll.

it’s sad to see that glorious weekend slip by and join the others as memories. it was a weekend of bohemians and artists, treasure hunts, and overnights. complimentary wine and thrift stores. scrambled eggs for breakfast and armageddon weekend on the history channel.

fabulous, as always.

(2 hours until i can leave work and start my night).

a new obsession.

2009-04-13T21:23:00.007-05:00

zooey deschanel.

while engaged in my couch potato adventures tonight, i've decided that i love her. she's 29 and super young and fresh. this is inspiring to me as i turn 26 and feel 32. it's sad to watch the female icons get younger and younger. like hannah montana's great and everything, but i can't dress or act like her.

it's hard for a 20-something to find a stylish and fresh role model. we want someone super fashionable and fun, but WOMANLY, not girly. i kinda like scarlett johansson. she's a year older than me and she's pretty down.

but i dunno, i saw that new "cotton: the fabric of our lives commercial" with zooey and fell in love. watch it!

yeah, she was annoying in the happening, but that whole movie was annoying. so i've decided to try her on and check her out for awhile. and wear more cotton, apparently.

and trim my bangs.

the taste of spring.

2009-04-13T20:12:00.014-05:00

easter weekend has been lovely. i'm glad my night's not completely over.

just lots of quality time with kyle, unsolved mysteries marathons (oh yeah), and extra snuggling. extra snuggling because our furnace broke, so its been like 58 degrees in the house. it took about two days to figure out what was going on, and then a whole day of having the furnace repairman working downstairs. he got it up to a toasty 74 right now (ahhhh), but only because it will be off again all day tomorrow while he replaces the entire furnace. until he got the furnace working around 3pm, there was lots of snuggling with the kitties under blankets. it feels so good to have the house warm, however, that i still haven't stopped snuggling. me and gus have been couch potatoes all day/night.

so i went to the grocery store on saturday and bought a TON of food. i've been inspired to cook more lately, and i love when that happens, because it's probably better for kyle and i and cheaper. and so saturday night i made a huge delicious pan of lasagna! i made cinnamon apples for dessert and today i made blueberry muffins. see how much fun i have when i don't have to work!?

since i'm still feeling in the mood to cook, i'm about to make some campanelle alfredo with tiny shrimp and garlic. the plan is to have a lot of scrumptious leftovers this week!

easter sunday was unconventionally fun and wonderful. we drove in to adam's house in lake zurich, and then he drove us into the city, where a big group of us had tickets to see RENT. now rent is exciting enough on it's own, but it was especially exciting because we got to see adam pascal and anthony rapp LIVE!!! for theater buffs, this was a huge deal. for those that are clueless, these were the two guys to originate the roles of roger and mark when rent opened on broadway and were also the two guys in the movie version. it was really surreal and inspiring to hear their voices singing that music live. i mean i grew up on their voices, and here they were on a stage in front of me, my ears hearing their voices belt and sing over the rocking music that i know so well. it was a very cool experience. after the show it was dinner at ed debevic's, which was fine and not too annoying. it was quite a fun easter!

other than that, i just feel ready for school to be over. i am so focused on the future - the summery future i should say. my mind wants to concentrate on patio furniture, road trip plans, new warm-weather clothes, and summer ales.

oh, 51 days, hurry. i feel like i'm trapped. nothing but routine, routine, routine. i know that the summery feeling will come a little early when the really warm weather hits in late may. that's when i turn school nights into backyard barbecues or parties in the park. but it still feels like ages until then. i'm trying to find the motivation i need to get through mid-May, but there's not much. just a lot of work clothes, willy wonka rehearsals, and feeling sleepy.

i am READY to be rejuvinated!

15 days until my birthday. here are the links to my wishlists - there's something for everyone's budget ::wink wink::!

http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/wishlist/ref=sv_cm_gft_3

https://www.forever21.com/customerservice/showwishlist.asp?target=wishlist

make of our lives one life.

2009-04-09T19:15:00.007-05:00

the twinkling party lights have finally flickered out. the supple, fragrant bouquets have dried and drooped.

a week ago today there was ebullient hullabaloo ringing around me. this joyous festival to smile and squirm about. events about to happen. dreams about to come true. dresses about to be worn. it didn't matter what happened during the day, because everything was was about the impending nuptials. my little brother got married!

to make a long and powerful story brief, it was beautiful. simple, sweet, but above all, romantic. candelight, honest vows of love, music composed by the other brother, white tablecloths. i couldn't believe how emotional i was at the ceremony, looking at my parents, then at my dear little brothers who are now men, and feeling like that safe little nest of five is now going to be forever in the past. not that this is bad news. we're simply expanding. but after 25 (almost 26 - agh!) years of the jensen five, we are now the jensen six. there's another one in our pack. as the rush of excitement flooded through me, the bittersweet nostalgia of the past played like a slideshow in my mind as my little brother put a ring on his wife's finger to the sound of the other little brother singing. and i couldn't help but be two years old again, singing with dan for my parents and playing dress up. i was cuddled up under the blankets in my brothers' room on a thunderstorm-y night trying to muffle our giggles so mom and dad didn't wake up.

my little brothers - my littermates.

well then it was time to celebrate. at the reception there was dancing and dining, toasting and talking. i couldn't believe that all of these people were all in the same room together. dear old friends, new friends, beloved cousins, doting grandparents, new relations. all merry and moving about together, mixing and meeting, holding hands and dancing.

the weekend that followed was simply more of the same. i wish families didn't have to be so far apart. having my cousins with me made everything so much fun. we dressed up for ABBA karaoke at the (new) hope & anchor english pub (i won!), stayed up late every night and slept in until mom would text us to meet for a lazy brunch.

it was so much fun that monday was almost unbearable. i went numbly about my job all week, resenting how stressful it is. the year is spiraling to an end and things just keep getting crazier and crazier. i've been an awful teacher all week because i'm so exhausted and glum.

the long weekend is here at last and i'm going to start it off low-key. no matter what happens in my life, i foresee that i will always be the type of person who beelines back into bed when i get home from work. something about standing up in restrictive clothing all day makes my body yearn for soft comforters and pillows to sink into.

and that is where i am now: tranquilized by my sanctuary and yearning to re-read a midsummer night's dream tonight.

yes, indeed.

when it rains it pours.

2009-03-31T19:56:00.003-05:00

i'm sick. and irritated.
and i really, really need a digital camera. like this one. too much of my life is being passing by undocumented.

my mysteriously scratchy throat erupted into a sneezy, runny, shivery flu today. and a face-melting headache. so even if i wanted to be fun and feisty after school, my poor work-shocked body tumbled into bed and under the covers with no hopes of getting up soon. miserable.

my job in durand (which is now OVER) has yet to be fruitful. i am watching the bills come in and the withdrawls rapidly exiting my bank account, and still there is no check in my mailbox to deposit IN to my bank. i am constantly befuddled by the people who are in charge in this world. apparently things like making schedules, giving raises, and writing checks are among the most difficult tasks in the world. on the contrary, it seems that the easiest tasks in the world are to say or write things like, "you will be paid in march" or "your raise will be on your next paycheck." man, do i have the wrong job.

so i am quite disgruntled tonight. work is harder than i remembered. all of my happy, carefree thoughts have been swallowed by my busy, frustrated thoughts. my under-eye circles, which faded to a tolerable dove gray over spring break, have returned to their murky-violet selves. my skin, which had been lovingly scrubbed, moisturized, and pampered has immediately turned sallow and lifeless. my nose is hot and runny. my throat is swollen and sore. my eyes burn. my hair got hailed on.

64 days and 15 hours until summer.
until then, it's desperate survival mode.

"sweet lovers love the spring."

2009-03-29T21:50:00.006-05:00

you will never guess: i just spent about FOUR hours of my last day of spring break figuring out how to get fr#@!king blogger to work. over the course of those four hours, i:

a. searched for blogger template websites
b. tried about fifteen different layouts, only to find out that none of them would enable comments
c. got a wordpress (i don't think i'm going to use it though. it's just as complicated as blogger).
d. looked for more blogger layouts
e. FINALLY found the secret magic code that enables comments no matter WHICH layout you choose. hit me up if you want it. it'll cost you $5. lol.

but now i have the layout i want and you can comment. UGH.

so yes, as i stated already, today is (was) my last day of spring break. i'm so depressed! it has been such a marvelous week; i mean, really, it was perfect. i wish it was twice as long. because it took me this whole week to get out of work mode and into spring break mode. and now that i'm there, why do i have to go back?!

enough about work. it's inevitable.

let's talk about my new personal color palette.

while i will never ever tire of my most favorite color EVER, chartreuse, i have started to see it in a new light. before, i was always about chocolate, chartreuse, and pumpkin. now let me introduce you to my new adopted colors:

first, an homage to chartrese:

and now, meet robin's egg blue (often referred to as tiffany blue):

mmm, so lovely.
and my new favorite color to mix with robin's egg blue needs a for-sure name. but right now i've been calling it "vintage beige", "cameo" or "porcelain." but you get the idea:

vintage colors in the springtime. too bad it's not quite spring yet.
HURRY UP!!

check!

2009-03-27T19:52:00.003-05:00

i'm officially checking an item off of my "wanted" list for spring/summer 09.

today, i walked into TJ maxx without expectation. then i met them. and we have already become best friends.

i would like you to meet my new shoes:

steve madden. smoothed, polished patent leather. beige with just a whisper of taupe.
who says money can't buy happiness? 24.99 and i'm all smiles.

summer/roadtrip fashion ideas.

2009-03-25T19:00:00.018-05:00

because i'm too excited about summer/roadtrip fashion (and my wallet can't keep up), here are the things that are floating around in my mind:

1. oh, hobo bag. i can't wait until i can toss my structured, professional-looking, neutral colored work purses to the back of my closet and wear something more buttery, bright, and sloppy by my side:

2. brown leather flip flops. no more patent pointy-toe flats. no more black heels. no more tights. just feet. and leather. and summer:

3. one bohemian skirt. in taupe. perfect for laying in fields. or picnics:

4. in exchange for sweater dresses: sun dresses. the reigning champion of fashion; the article of clothing that has captured my heart for life. cotton, lightweight, vintage, pretty, summery, cool.

while we're on sundresses, i should mention the maxi dress. they're everywhere. and i've started to take a second look at them. at first, i just passed them by. they were like 6-foot tall giants; evil villains waiting to swallow me into their bold and assertive patterns. but the more i thought about them, the more i can visualize how nice it would be to have a full length, solid colored maxi. hemmed to my ankles. completely comfortable and carefree.

it'll take some searching...but i think the rewards will be well worth it.

5. lightweight scarves. for knotting, draping, tying, wrapping. in florals and cottons. not plaids and cashmeres.

6. jersey-knit genie pants. the new gauchos. way better. too bad these don't translate as well as gauchos did for work. but they do work perfectly for everything else...

7. enough said. can't you just picture it?

8. french braids as headbands. hopefully mine will look as glamorous as these:

9. peasant shirt. i got one at the goodwill already, so it's not on the "i need it" list. but nonetheless, it should be recognized in this blog. peasant shirt, meet skinny capris. skinny capris, meet peasant shirt. you two will be getting along quite well, i presume...

10. beige flats. to replace the black ones (and to ease the blow...i'll be mourning the black ones). these are really pretty, but also more expensive than the pointy-toed versions i already bought from payless. but you get the idea...

ten things. out of my head and chronicled. categorized. a checklist (i already have numbers 9 and 10!).
so hopefully i can get some work done now (cause i still haven't done ANYTHING).

how i've stayed entertained:

2009-03-25T10:52:00.008-05:00

another lazy day of spring break is here. i think this one needs to be different though. i think it's time to get some cleaning and organizing done. i have been slowly doing the laundry over the past two days. it sucks because our dryer is pretty much broken. it only dries about five thin articles of clothing and doesn't really heat up. so that's why it's taken awhile to get the laundry done. only a little more to go. and then i have a mountain - yes, mountain - of clothes to put away. boo.

but getting cleaned up and organized will make me feel less guilty about lounging around. and since i plan on doing a lot more lounging in the next 4 days, i've gotta do some chores.

onto some news:

kyle and i took one look at the gloomy, drizzly rain yesterday and deemed it worthy to spend our afternoon inside at the movies. coraline in 3D it was.

i went with no expectations. kyle knew more about the movie than i did; i had only watched the preview one time, deciding it looked pretty imaginative. i figured it would be just another kid movie like all of those movies they're cranking out nowadays. but, having nothing to lose, i took my chances.

first, let me warn you that since it's in 3D, you gotta pay for the 3D glasses. so much for the 5-buck club. so instead of $10 for a tuesday afternoon matinee, it cost kyle and i $17. we had a $6 gift card, so that softened the blow a little.

and we entered the world of coraline, a tough and imaginative pre-adolescent girl who craves excitement in her boring, monotonous world. she's attention-starved and lonely, and just moved into a 100 year old house with her parents, who are too busy to deal with her.

eventually she finds her excitement by finding a mysterious, glowing rabbit hole and crawling to an alternate universe. i won't spoil the ending, because you have to go see it!

as i watched this movie in curiously realistic 3D (it's subtle, not in-your-face), i really felt that i had crawled through coraline's rabbit hole and into her world. it's SO artistic. i couldn't stop thinking about the art and colors the whole time. i am amazed at what people can do.

as for the plot, it was dark and eery, but not in a weird way. it was like a hauntingly mysterious fairy tale, where the lines between good and evil are thin and magic feels both good and bad at the same time.

i encourage you all to go see this movie. this is one you'll regret not seeing in theaters because of how much detail you will see and how the experience pulls you into that world. if you saw it, comment and tell me what you thought about it!

so after coraline i felt a little over-stimulated so kyle and i just went home. had some leftover pizza and beer, and then decided it was time to watch more WEEDS.

dude, the show is freaking awesome. mary louise parker is like a goddess to me. she is one of the most talented actresses i've ever seen. her nuances and gestures are matchless. kyle and i are in the middle of season 3 somewhere, so DON'T spoil anything for us!! so the rest of our day was pretty much spend eating snacks and watching episode after episode of WEEDS.

the only thing left to talk about is our beer cap collection! we've been collecting all of our beer caps for almost a year and we totally filled up the pitcher we were using to collect them in. eventually they are going to turn into "mosaic tiles" to cover the top of a table, so i think we might need a few more. anyway, last night my curiosity finally got the best of me, and so i emptied out the pitcher, sorting the caps by name and color. i never got a full head count on how many we had total, but it was really interesting to see all of the different colors and designs and to see which beer we had drunk the most of. i started creating a mosaic pattern on the floor, but i realized that idea was going nowhere (i hadn't measure the table top, and i don't have any supplies ready for gluing. the table still needs to be sanded and stained!) so that was enough for now. it gave me some things to think about. i think that will have to be a summer project. that will give us some time to collect some more caps (and to look for some more cool ones!). so i found a bigger container to house our collection for now.

well enough laying around in bed. i said i have stuff to do, so off to work i go.

i've got the sun in the morning and the moon at night.

2009-03-23T12:18:00.004-05:00

i really should be cleaning the disgusting bathroom sink right now. it's got soap and hair and dust all over it. but i took one look at it just now and ALMOST cleaned it, but then i thought, eh. it's spring break. disgusting sinks can wait. i want to blog.

the last three days have been completely carefree and perfect. sunny weather, no plans. sleeping in late. not getting out of bed until even later. lazy lunches, driving around, seeing plays. no constricting work clothes. we stocked the fridge with lots of beer and snacks and now there are just movies to watch and games to be played. kyle and i are both in happy moods. it's just been wonderful. it makes me so excited for summer, when the days will all be like this. sunny days, rainy days, lazy days, peaceful days.

it's time for me to stop shopping. i'd been having some fun weeks for a while, basically buying whatever i needed and most of what i wanted. but after doing some mental math yesterday i decided that the leftover amount in my bank account has reached that unfriendly, smaller number that makes you have to count and budget more. boo. having a shopping addiction is so hard.

i tried to buy wedding shoes yesterday. good news: $10. bad news: i HATE them with the dress and have to return them. they are GORGEOUS shoes. black and strappy with dripping rhinestones all over them. but this bridesmaid dress is so ethereal and effervescent. its very fairy-like, or grecian-goddess. yesterday i tried to just close my eyes and visualize the PERFECT SHOE for the dress, and i just can't do it. it's a fairy dress. i want to be barefoot! or wear cool foot jewelry. so the hunt is still on for ethereal black strappy heels. hm. send me a link if you find anything...but hopefully from a store in rockford...i don't think i have time to order any! i just found these online; i kinda like them. simple and delicate, yes. but patent? siiiiigh.

well i'm off to a meeting right now. if all goes well, you'll hear about it.

things coming together; things coming undone.

2009-03-11T14:09:00.005-05:00

it's been so long. it's not that i don't want to blog.

my mind has just been zip-darting in a million different directions. and my body has had to be up and at 'em at WAY too many places.

so durand is over now. it got pretty intense toward the end, as all productions do. bad attitudes, stress, time crunches, frustrating situations. but opening night came. and as all productions do, it magically pulled together and i was so very proud of my hard work and of the inspiring students. i have become quite close with some of those kids and will really miss them. i'm not sure what the future holds, now that amanda won't be returning. i do know that i was not ready to say goodbye.

things at the day job have been sublime. i'm doing a good job, which feels good. i feel like i am making a difference at this school and in the lives of my students. my lessons are (for the most part) interesting, diverse, and well-developed. my principal loves me, which is probably the best part. my facilities are amazing, i have a lot of freedom, and i am surrounded by ALL of the arts everyday. i feel like i am in the PERFECT place right now; it's so fulfilling.

and i just found out that i'm already re-hired for next year! no questions asked, no paperwork, no waiting to "see", nothin. just keep on getting paid all summer and show up in the fall. nice.

it's SPRING BREAK!!! i have virtually NO plans and that's totally cool.

i have an extremely exciting job prospect for this summer, but don't have all of the information yet, so i won't disclose until i know more.

i have been doing some good shopping lately. got some clearance stuff at target: a red and black flowered winter-to-spring transition dress and an swingy, spandex black dress for summer (awesome). i still need to find some dressy black heels for the wedding. something open-toe that doesn't have an ankle strap (bad news for us short-legged girls). everytime i've planned to go look for shoes, i wind up wandering off the planned path.

like tonight, for example. i decided to go shoe shopping, but went to the goodwill first.

WELL.

i got lots of stuff - good sales! pj pants, long sweatshirt, a few hippie shirts, 3 pashmina scarves, 2 tshirts for kyle, a wide, burnt sienna belt, a couple of costume pieces for the upcoming play (the other side of the wall) that my advanced theater class is putting on, a gray plaid skirt for spring, a beige shrug, a white peasant shirt to wear to sunday morning breakfasts (or humid roadtrips), and a structured, zippered jacket in black, to name a few. yeah, jackpot. it's so nice that spring (and eventually summer) is here. i am eager to stop thinking about sweater dresses and suede boots and am definitely feeling ready for skinny capris, gypsy skirts, and shirtdresses.

except i'm almost 26. and even though my weight had remained relatively stable and healthy, it still doesn't change the fact that my undereye circles have definitely not gotten any less purple. or that my skin hasn't loosened a little. or that i have a rapidly growing spider vein on my leg. or that i just don't look 17 anymore. it's really starting to get to me. keeping myself feeling presentable and confident just gets harder and harder. ugh. enough of this; i'm getting depressed.

then guess what: i finally got my industrial piercing tonight!

yes, it hurt. really bad at first.

i'm feeling okay right now, but i probably have a few painful weeks coming up.

i'm feeling more than okay now. i feel like i really have a lot of wonderful things in the future headed my way. i am all smiles, all optimistic, feeling everything fall into place.

dizzy roadtrip competitions.

2009-03-01T00:54:00.003-06:00

life started going too fast. too much to do. definitely not enough time to do it all. i have three things to talk about. since i am starting this blog apologizing for how hectic life has been for me lately, let's start with number one.

1. MY HEALTH

the sound of my footsteps walking briskly down the long hallway of my school rattle noisily in my delicate brain. to the office to drop off a document, to the copy room to make 35 copies before my next class. my time is not my own; it belongs to the bell. 2 minutes to finish this. 47 minutes to finish that. all day, my ears are pained by the sound of shrill, shrieking middle school voices. the sound of their voices never stops. never.

and it's not just this job.

wake up. stumble downstairs for caffeine. hungry kitties. scrape the windows. dodge the east state bridge. fight through the exhaustion to make my lessons meaningful. 85 minutes of planning time, which i spend deciding how to spend that 85 minutes. wait for kyle. yearn to walk in the house and stay there. scramble for sweatpants. heart starts to pound. settle on cheez-its for dinner. temples pound. drive dizzily across town in rush hour traffic. piercing, splitting headache. car wrenches to the left, to the right. my stomach goes with it. the minutes don't belong to me. :37. :48. :56. never enough time. shallow breaths. potholes. writhing in pain. my head. my head. my head.

and so it went like this for about 3 months, and then more things happened.

thinking. thinking. working. planning. BOOM. brain melts. lava-lamp spots dance goo-ily in my eyes. the lights flicker. i teeter. my head bobs along a watery current...slowing to a calm, back and forth consciousness and then slamming into a tidal wave. black. white. fuzzy. blue.

3 hours go by and i am still imprisoned in this dizzying, double-visioned nightmare. my heart races. i tried to eat. still the same. deciding i must be exhausted, i go home and sleep.

when nothing changes the next day, i go to the doctor. he checks my blood. monitors my heart for 24 hours. makes me even more dizzy by making me lay down and sit up. i have a fever. i am shaky. i panic.

the good news is that i've been feeling much better over the last few days. the bad news is that nothing has been diagnosed yet, and i am fearful that i might be hit with it again. tomorrow is a day off. i plan to spend it in complete relaxation.

2. KYLE'S AMAZING TALENT THAT GOT HIM A JOB AND SUMMER 2009.

my boyfriend is exceptionally talented. everytime i see him onstage in something new, he impresses me all over again with something vivid and new. detailed and intimate. go see the diary of anne frank at rockford college. he is absolutely astounding.

all this talent got him a terrific job this summer that will keep him mostly in my arms during the hot and lazy days and will reward him fruitfully in the evenings. i think i am planning on doing nothing this summer. i just want to sprawl out and remain still in the sunshine.

when his job finishes up at the end of july, he and i will have a whole glorious month off together. so we have planned a long and inspiring road trip out west. i think about it every free second i have (which is not much). through illinois, missouri, oklahoma, texas, new mexico, arizona, utah, nevada, and california up to oregon, idaho, wyoming, colorado, nebraska, iowa. taking it slow. seeing amazing parks and landforms. sleeping in the car during thunderstorms. in tents under starry night skies. with the windows open at a beach-side hostel. see some shows. listen to music. slow down. it's going to be remarkable.

3. SHOW CHOIR COMPETITION

today we brought durand singsation to brodhead, WI for a show choir competition. words seriously cannot describe it, but i am going to try.

it was amazing.

i have never seen such talented performers or witnessed such thriving music programs in schools. sequins, fans, sets, combo bands, costume changes. we were packed into the gymnasium with a million people. all of us dancing, all of us cheering. the incredible groups onstage performed everything from "all that jazz" to "higher ground" to "4 minutes." it was the coolest thing i've ever seen. i would love to someday work at a school that has a program as strong as those. amanda and i are going to work hard to bring durand up a few notches every year. little by little we want to strengthen this program to create something that the kids and us can be proud of. baby steps.

as exciting as today was, it was also a little depressing. melancholy. i remember being in high school and being in show choir. it's sad to think that that chapter of my life is over and now i am the 25 year old. i can't help but be bitter that i didn't have an awesome show choir/musical theater program at my high school. i think that it would have taken me different places in my life. i would have realized how much i loved performing even more. would have been challenged. would have grown up with peers who had the same passions as me.

instead i was a big fish in a small pond who got released into the big pond of life. and there are some huge fish out there.

i'm exhausted.

beautiful things.

2009-02-15T20:32:00.007-06:00

this is the blog for beautiful things.

valentine's day. kyle and i had no plans. no expectations. just a saturday together with the apartment to ourselves. we had coffee and krispy kremes (with valentines sprinkles).

and we ran errands. and gave extra kisses. and said extra nice things. and then i had to drop him off for his valentine cabaret show at rockford college. i got a little thrift shopping done and went to watch my beloved boy sing onstage for me. i took a little extra time to style my choppy, razor-y, shaggy haircut and wore hot pink tights. and i had pink wine and listened to the love songs. lovely.

that's what kyle did onstage.

and some of the performances were so wonderful. there was this original song by this girl named cassie. and i love it. absolutely beautiful. i started to think about how beautiful music is. how extraordinary the people who make that beautiful music come into the world are. without those extraordinary people, we would have no music. no poetry. no art. people are like the vessels through which beauty can be communicated.

anyway, here is her song, rope of love. i completely love it. love as in i want the recording, want to sing the lyrics to kyle, want to never forget it. the song takes me away into a wonderful world of morning sunlight, flannel comforters, and east state street traffic rumbling outside. of hungry, meowing kitties and snooze buttons.

thank you for the music, cassie.

here are the lyrics (she wrote them!):

sunlight slips through cracks between the blinds, painting pictures of new life upon your face
alarm clock - i turned it off three mintues fast so that the roar from its' blast wouldn't startle you awake
coffee- it's brewin' downstairs as we lay, ready to jump-start our day, at least for awhile
but we won't need it- cause i called you in sick today, and in this bed is where you'll stay...

(bridge) so let me see you smile, let me watch you wake up
i can help you make up excuses why you won't be into work today
so close your eyes, i'll help you fantasize
we can turn this bed into a whole new place

(chorus) lay me down, i'm your object of desire
just lay me down in these sheets made out of fire
just lay me down - do with me whatever you can think of
bind me in your rope of love

your eyes- flutter open from the light, peering head on into mine first thing they see
your hands- gently caressing my face then pull me close for embrace for safety
your heart- a familiar tune I know, i've memorized its' metronome, steady and strong
your arms- lying in their safe haven - that's how I know where I belong

(bridge)
(chorus)

so let me see you smile, let me watch you wake up
i can help you make up excuses why you won't be into work today
so take my hand, your request is my command
hold on tight boy - i'll do whatever you say

(chorus)

beautiful, huh?
so after the cabaret we went out and had dinner at our favorite little date spot, the capri.

and now its sunday and i don't have school tomorrow. and i got my tax returns back. and i am carefree. and i have road trips and mountains and warm california breezes on my mind...

on a happier note...

2009-02-10T17:02:00.001-06:00

i found a new audition song. west virginia public theatre, look out.

god, i'm a dancer. a dancer dances.

2009-02-07T19:49:00.005-06:00

i've been found out.
i can't play pretend anymore.

inside of me, there is an amanda you don't know.

but tonight, i decided to tell you about her.

it's about my car. it got repossessed.

the details aren't important. well, they probably are important. but right now, on this very solemn saturday night, i am not thinking about details.

i'm not afraid to admit that i'm broke. poor.

i have nothing to be ashamed of.

i teach at-risk students all day every day, and i have to live with a roommate in an apartment in order to stay afloat. i align my lesson plans to the illinois state standards and put a giant word wall up in my room, and i can't even splurge on brand-name groceries.

i wish i could say that the problem could be easily solved if i stopped buying myself frivolous things all the time...but the last frivolous thing i bought for myself was probably shampoo. i'm not even sure if shampoo qualifies as frivolous. i want so badly to save money, but it's pretty hard to do when you sit down to balance your budget and realize that after you pay your bills, you only have 11.19 in your checking account (and thank god for that 11.19, because you need gas in order to get to work tomorrow).

it depresses me to exist in a world where the poor are wrong. the poor are punished. you were $3 short in your bank account? don't worry...we'll pay that $12.50 check for you and then charge you an overdraft fee of THIRTY SIX DOLLARS. yeah, that helps me. helps me save money, get back on my feet, keep more for next time.

i don't have a gym membership. i don't shop at the mall. i don't buy starbucks coffee. i don't whiten my teeth and i don't check facebook from my cell phone. i don't go to fancy salons to get my hair done. don't see a therapist or chiropractor or any other negligible health care providers. i turn off the lights when i leave the room and i recycle. i buy clothes from thrift stores and tj maxx.

i'm trying to be as financially stable as possible while forcing myself to believe in the intangible rewards that come from teaching young minds.

i'm trying to forget that places like new york exist. and that somewhere there is beautiful music playing that i don't get to hear. and that i could be spending my days somewhere else. spread out in the sunshine. doing yoga where the ocean meets the sand. driving fast down a highway. somewhere else.

i'm trying to forget that i am a dancer who doesn't dance.

life is a cabaret, old chum.

2009-02-04T00:22:00.009-06:00

i haven't been feeling well. i think kyle gave me something, which is an unusual thing to happen. his immune system is very weak and mine is very strong, so i don't normally worry about whether or not he's going to get me sick. but this time, i think he did. it was the weirdest sickness i've ever had. screaming headache, sore throat, queazy stomach. my body craved liquids and nourishment, but the thought of eating made me gag. monday night, after a severe bought of head pain, stress & anxiety, rushing to get places, eating poorly all day, crying, and writhing in tummy pain, i managed to get down a jr. roast beef sandwich and an applesauce cup from arby's, but i think the ibuprofen i took with it helped more than the food. either way, i still felt kinda bad on tuesday so i stayed home to recover.

however, tuesday couldn't be the perfect sick day. you know, box of kleenex beside you, movie marathons, soup and 7up. i actually had to run a crucial errand. i had to go to rock valley college to pay an ancient parking violation so that they would take my account off the stop list and give me my damn transcripts. i need these transcripts in order to keep my job at ellis. they need to have complete records of every employee's business, and they have been harrassing me for a while to get it taken care of. while i'm on this topic, i need to make a quick statement about how everything is only open from 9-5 and how everyone works from 9-5. how can we get anything done besides our JOB?

so that's where the sick day comes in. partially sick, partially in need of a DAY (i.e. 9-5pm) to get this taken care of. so over to rock valley i go. whatever. drive in...see students. notice changes. remember what it feels like to walk outside farther than a parking-lot-to-front-door trek between the hours of 9am and 5pm. i remember really enjoying that about college. it was a chance to experience life as it happened to you. sometimes when i sit in my windowless room hour after hour and day after day, i can't believe that months go by. but when you can park your car and get out and physically move yourself somewhere by moving your legs and breathing the outside air, you're reminded that its february. or october. or may. or raining. or hot.

haha. i got to the student center. it was all bustling with a million 19 year olds eating pizza and sitting on the internet. different than when i was there and the student center wasn't remodeled. plus i was never the kind of person to stay on campus all day. but anyway, i walked around for a while trying to find the stairs, and then i found them. the same stairway that was there when i was there. heavy double doors. wide wooden staircases. slushy, salty tile on the landings in between. always smelling sort of sweaty and musty. and i remembered how much i hated - HATED - trudging up those god-forsaken stairs. i would have just come in from outside, where i had just walked as quickly as possible in my winter wear to get out of the frigid weather, only to begin sweating immediately once inside. ugh, i remember really hating how i would get all sweaty climbing those stairs. i would have to stop and peel off all of my winter wear and then carry it all.

and then i was just there again. 2002. rock valley college. mr. beert and choir in building A and alex mcintyre and cabaret and size 2 jeans and robert quinn and mike webb's theater class. snowy walks with eric after acting. rob and JB the potheads. prime-time parking spaces. 9.11.01. french (irish?) drinking songs. getting my belly button pierced. voice lessons. no facebook. holy shit i'm old.

i started to think about college and how it's pretty tragic that i was so immature for most of it. what a waste. i would be SO good at college if i could go back. it seems so easy. much easier than paying bills and reporting to work every morning. just sit and absorb. take it all in. spit a little bit back out.

i'd still hate the stairs though.

i was a size 2. and life was a cabaret.

nuke 'em.

2009-01-31T20:12:00.002-06:00

kyle's birthday present. kick ass.
he was not as excited as i was about it, but i was like jumping up and down and clapping my hands really fast excited. i was double-fist pump in the air while bending both knees and mouthing the words "oh yeah" excited.

all we want to do is play games all night now.

guess what? our microwave broke. guess that's what you get for buying a cheap white microwave at walmart. stupid thing lasted like 3yrs. know what's better? an ancient wood-finish with chrome handled microwave from a long time ago. free. from leslie's basement. yeah. i am no longer sad that our microwave broke. old monster microwaves that are still truckin' are way better.

kyle's birthday was wonderful. and today was wonderful too. kyle and i are like inseparable best friends. we build forts, play games, and tell jokes. bestfriendsforlife.

just call my name. i'll be there.

2009-01-28T21:45:00.005-06:00

kitty news.

first of all: yesterday was grizzie's birthday! she turned 2. now both kitties are 2. no more baby kitties in the house. well, they will always be my babies. but literally, they are not babies anymore. :(

gus and grizzie and mommy, circa 2007.

in other kitty news, the inevitable has finally happened: GUS IS GOING TO BE A STAR. he will be making his theatrical debut as "moortje" in the diary of anne frank at rockford college. he will be appearing alongside daddy, who will be playing the role of mr. frank. this is to be expected of course, because a.) gus has extremely theatrical parents and b.) it his his namesake. he is named after "gus the theater cat" in andrew lloyd weber's musical, cats. i hope you all can be there to see him shine (he's so excited; he's been rehearsing his meows, even though he has no lines, and has been watching his figure). the show goes up the last weekend of february.

there were lots of stories today; jumper cables, radio stations, and rendezvous at logli's...but i wanted to tell you the kitty stories more.

oh, and this.
look what my boyfriend can do:

come with me and you'll be in a world of pure imagination.

2009-01-21T21:59:00.006-06:00

much to say. i am completely disappointed in myself for letting a week go by without visiting this little page to purge some excess thoughts. it makes sitting down to write really difficult. there's so much to say now. what do i filter?

i've been for a ride or two on the emotional rollercoaster last week. part of it was hormonally induced. scarily, part of it was not.

there is nothing imperative to mention about last week except that i rediscovered aldi. seriously. before you read any farther, open up a new window and go to aldifoods.com. and then make the decision to never shop anywhere else for groceries. and then come back and finish reading this entry.

inauguration day was really hard for me. i didn't intend for it to be hard. in fact, i thought it would be somewhat enjoyable. even AFTER i got pulled over on the way to work for having expired plates, i still thought that the day would turn out ok. the teachers at my school decided to make a big celebration out of the inauguration, and all of the students got to be out of uniform to dress up and there were no classes scheduled for the day. instead, the students watched the inauguration on the big projection screen in the auditorium all morning, went to lunch, and then rotated around to different "fun" stations in the afternoon. my station was to teach lyrics and choreo to signed, sealed, delivered...i'm yours all afternoon. so really, how could i complain?

but this inauguration happened during the same week as my directorial debut. i was extremely stressed and busy putting that show together. i decided to stay in my room, get some work done, and just watch the inauguration quietly from my tv. but my cable converter thing was the one that was being used in the theater, so my tv had no cable. tried to stream it on cspan...or cnn...or ANY website that claimed to be streaming live footage, but they all skipped. and then i just felt so sad. too busy to watch the inauguration. to caught up in the tiny details of my job that pays my bills to be able to see our president take office. confined to a windowless room.

of course, teachers and students alike were teary-eyed and overcome with emotion after spending all morning with obama. who wouldn't be? i was just depressed. stupid work. stupid job. stupid to-do list. stupid stupid stupid.

did you see how happy michelle looked? did you hear what he said? did you see all the people?

no. i didn't see anything.

did i get to see the beautiful cake decorated with obama's face and the words "yes we can" as it was paraded triumphantly down the hallway?

no. all i saw was 200 students eating 200 pieces of what must have been a beautiful cake.

and it all just seemed so unfair and i really let it bother me. everyone in the world was on youtube, celebrating, watching the balls, listening to the interviews, swept up. and i was totally left out.

so that was the sad part of my rollercoaster.

it got better (after a lot of stress) on thursday, when it was time for my show to go up. thirteen squirmy, squirrelly junior high students. a simple white set lit up in saturated, dramatic colors. a single chair. an upbeat soundtrack. like any good director, i watched the show without having to bark orders backstage. proud of my work, i confidently relaxed and enjoyed watching my students prove to me that they love theater. listened as they presented 2-3 pages of memorized monologues. high fived and fist pounded after the show. met parents who shook my hand with tears of joy in their eyes. made $40 in ticket sales.

accomplished. i did it. my little show became more than i ever expected and i am PROUD. tiny moments can have a big impact.

so i have made up my mind to do an all-school musical at my school. i don't think i'm crazy. i'm excited. willy wonka jr. chocolate swirls and golden tickets. i love directing.

there wasn't much weekend news. i spent this last weekend being kyle's best friend. we were inseparable for the entire weekend except for about an hour. saturday was matinee day at the movies. what a nice time to see a movie.

ugh. speaking of movies, kyle and i decided that we aren't going to go to the movies anymore unless we have a gift card or are using our five buck club cards. NINE FIFTY?! i tried to think realistically about how much i would feel comfortable spending on a movie. you know...what seemed fair. and i really couldn't justify more than $5. there is no need. and then kyle and i started to talk about movie theater food and that should just be illegal. it cannot be constitutional to charge that much for corn and sugar and water. we both agreed that we would SO rather nix the free refill part if it meant lower prices. so no more 9.50 movies and 15 food. sorry. i proudly state that kyle and i are firm believers in smuggling in cheap gas station candy. and i don't feel bad about that at all. charging that much money for food is far worse a crime than that.

back to talking about saturday afternoon at the movies. we saw notorious.

great movie. extremely interesting, heartfelt, well-acted. i can't say it changed my life, but it did thoroughly entertain me and make me think for the better part of a saturday.

oh lazy saturdays. weekends should happen so much more often.

sunday morning was a smokehouse skillet and two gigantic cinnamon rolls at stockholm inn. is there a better way to spend a sunday morning than deep in a bottomless white mug of coffee and intimate conversation? definitely not.

birthday dinner for kyle at grandpa's house on sunday night. he'll be 22 on friday. that's pretty old. we'll be out and celebrating; i can't WAIT to give him his presents. i'll blog all about it.

well that wonderful boyfriend of mine just came home. and he just brought me a plateful of pizza and a berghoff red bock winter ale. and he wants to hang out with me after this whole ridiculous monday filled with work and rehearsals and such.

so...i'm gonna go do that.
over and out.

मौसम & escape.

2009-01-18T18:53:00.003-06:00

new movie to talk about: slumdog millionaire.
it was stunning. it completely rocked my world for the 131 minutes it lasted.
it started off with these crazy visual scenes with all this driving bollywood-style music and that alone was totally intense and stimulating.
but once the story took off, i was transfixed.

definitely worthy of the golden globe it won for best movie.

there's more to say today. i'm in this weird funk. feeling depressed for no reason. feeling stuffy and sloppy and morose. i'm trying to cheer up with a jasmine candle and a big glass of water, but its not helping. all i can think about is that this apartment is still cold and that i was not the one to drink the first glass of chardonnay that i bought, yet the bottle is open and there is a half-drunk wine glass sitting beside the sink.

i'm thinking about tomorrow being my last day of the weekend and it just cannot be true. days cannot go by that fast. it's impossible.

i really don't have anything nice to say and i'm not sure why. i have typed and deleted about four paragraphs.

my feet are asleep and its so quiet that i hear the secondhand tick on the clock. i am just sitting here breathing.

i know how to make myself happy, but i don't have the means to.

i like to ebb & flow.

2009-01-15T22:15:00.003-06:00

i didn't have school today. hallelujah. i did nothing. made cookies and knit.
i must give credit to barbara for sending me the link, and to whiteoakschool.com for this blog post that i found.
enjoy.

When you look at a page, white space is the empty space that surrounds the text.

White space is very important. The amount of white space can make the text more legible. It can highlight a poem. It can set things off, emphasize them.

When there isn’t enough white space, the text can be hard to read, hard to understand. The page is cluttered; the brain has a hard time sorting out what’s there.

When we talk about overscheduled kids, I think about white space.

When we talk about project learning, I think about white space.

When we cram too many experiences into a child’s day/week/life, we don’t leave time for them to think about what they’ve experienced — they just move on to the next thing, letting the previous thing drop away.

(This is true for ourselves, too, of course.)

When children are learning through projects, their interest and engagement and production of work will naturally ebb and flow. It’s not factory work — it doesn’t happen at a single, steady pace. It’s creative work — it requires thinking, and having ideas, and mulling things over, and a change of pace now and then.

What is white space in a project? Doing something else for awhile … turning your attention to a different problem … relaxing … reading … being bored … maybe simply slowing the pace for awhile.

Refilling the well, being inspired, making connections, reflecting … these aren’t things that are easily acknowledged and checked off a list. They need time — empty, unfilled, unscheduled time. White space.

Without the white space, there’s no balance.

Rather than thinking about quantity — of ideas, of experiences, of work produced — we need to think about quality. Spending more time doing less, so we can do better and appreciate more. A single experience, really and truly had and understood, is more valuable than weeks and weeks of rushed, unconnected, random experiences.

every day it's as if i play a part.

2009-01-13T23:34:00.004-06:00

today i cried.
i cried because i love music and dance and theater so much, and i teach it to kids who don't love it at all.
i cried because my students won't spit out their gum when i ask them nicely. or they pretend to spit it out but then keep chewing when they think i can't see.
i cried because i've never been so aware of my cultural identity.
my intolerance.
my failures. they keep happening.

so mom tells me that maybe i've been placed in this job not to teach me more about theater, but maybe because i need to learn some lessons. about relationships. because apparently, i have been habitually bad at relationships. funny. i've never considered myself an un-relatable person. in fact, in the past few years i have prided myself on being open-minded, accepting, and outgoing. i can't believe it can be so hard to learn tolerance. patience. absolute compassion. i'm not sure i'm capable. if i want to be capable...

so, ok.

i am not going to be sixteen and be all "shut up, you guys" when we talk about talent. i am mature enough to admit that i know i have some rocking potential in the music-dance-theater department, yet i am humble enough to admit that i am definitely not the best. however, all of my life i have felt different. like maybe i know how it feels to be an exceptional learner. except, instead of being slower than everyone else, i'm faster. and i seriously can't help it. can't say i'd choose it if i could do it all again. my brain thinks thinks thinks, all day. i analyze everything and sort out everything around me. name colors. count tiles. make shapes. and when it comes to the fine arts, well...to me, there is just no other way of life. i went to this arts academy when i was in 4-6th grade. i must have known what it felt like for a blind person to read braille for the first time. ohmygosh. this is learning. this is challenging. this is fun.

my teachers would give me a poem to recite and i'd memorize it, dress in costume, and perform it in a british accent. they'd tell me to write my vocabulary words in a sentence and i'd write them into a novel complete with full-page, full-color illustrations. my barbies didn't wear pink and go to the mall with ken. they were involved in theatrical productions with elaborate sets and costumes. bikes were horses. trees were mountains. my imaginary dog sat under my desk all day and i drew all the disney princesses nonstop.

i don't know any other way to be. i am an exceptional learner.
why does that change now that i'm a grown up? why can't i go above and beyond any more without being made fun of? all of that imagination and talent has settled into writing with lots of different colored dry-erase markers when i teach, color coding everything, matching my eyeshadow to my outfit, and singing in the car. i mean, except for the starlight show here and there, that's all that i have amounted to.

i feel like i've let myself down. i had so much more planned for myself than this.

call me a horrible person, but i just cannot accept that i have to lower my standards to fit into this monotonous society. why should i accept mumbled monologues and slouchy posture when i can imagine an orchestra of lights, key changes, kicklines, and character shoes? why do i have to put on black pants and a button down everyday when i'd far prefer scarves, jewels, slips, and tunics? why do i keep watching the days blend together when i could be living each one to the fullest?

makes me wonder if the lessons this job is teaching me are worth it. i've been waiting 25 years for life to begin.

i refuse to believe that this is what i have to settle for.

song of black leggings.

2009-01-10T22:30:00.003-06:00

black stretchy leggings are perfect for me
for i am only 5-feet, 2-inches you see
they cover my short legs without extra mass
and since black is slimming, i wear them with sass

i've found that black leggings match all my clothes
they're great for rehearsals or going to shows
with brown boots or black boots or just simple flats
jackets and dresses and warm winter hats

i shall wear black stretchy leggings all day
until i'm an old woman and my hair is grey
teach in them, dance in them, sleep in them too
i love black leggings, how about you?

you win, pancakes.

2009-01-10T16:28:00.005-06:00

another reason i decided to start blogging again was to document, comment on, and remember all the notable movies, theatrical performances, etc. that i saw throughout the year. last post included my thoughts on seven pounds. this post it is doubt.

doubt is a movie adapted from the broadway play written by john patrick shanley and is based on a true story. it is an extremely well-written, full-bodied script that dots every "i" and crosses every "t", not allowing your mind to rest easily in any corner of the plot. it is suspenseful and thought-provoking. it's satirical depiction of staunch catholicism and vivid characters make the movie stand out. meryl streep is f@#&*ing amazing. i mean, who's surprised by that. i feel disappointed that meryl streep has a bandwagon. like in every sitcom or play or anything, meryl streep is always the go-to good actress that they talk about. and like, EVERYONE agrees. so it doesn't really mean anything that i am enthralled with meryl streep because that's not news to anyone. phillip seymour hoffman was perfectly cast in this movie too. creepily good. i wasn't impressed with amy adams; she wasn't bad, but i just felt that her character was too naive and trusting, thus making her unrealistic. the whole thing ends a little abruptly and didn't keep me in suspense long enough, but it definitely makes you think. kyle and i talked about the movie the whole way home from the theaters. i love movies like that.

today worked out well for me. i was supposed to teach choreography from 9-3 today. we got up and started getting ready, and then the principal called and cancelled rehearsal. i wish he would have called about 20 minutes earlier. before i had washed my face, put on deoderant and makeup, brushed my teeth, and got dressed. it made going back to bed a little weird because i was already up and excited to go. but it took me about 20 seconds to get over the weirdness and zonked out for the rest of the morning all the way until 1pm. god that was great. after that long and busy week at school it was amazing to stay cocooned in bed. then kyle and i maxxxed out on some ihop and now i'm at home all folded up on the comfy chair. i foresee a lot of knitting tonight. and hopefully watch pocahontas.

it feels so good to feel the effects of not working at hobby lobby anymore. WOW it's worth it to have my weekends free.

close your eyes and i'll kiss you; tomorrow i'll miss you.

2009-01-08T01:59:00.003-06:00

so, on a whim, i decided to go see seven pounds tonight. starts off confusing as hell. i played the game, believing that the movie would straighten itself out for me later. i mean, come on, there are WAY stupider people than me. if i was confused, then the movie was doing it on purpose.

anyway, it did straighten itself out. and the story unfolded beautifully. tragically. its a poignant and moving story; you simply must see it.

in other news, i amazed myself today. i had SO many things piled up on my to-do list that i ultimately had to decide to just omit some items. sadly, the first to go was a set for my upcoming performance at ellis. before i continue with my story, let me go ahead and plug this show shamelessly:

my advanced theater class will be presenting
CAFETERIA FOOD FOR THE SOUL: a night of monologues from the adolescent point of view
thursday, january 22nd at 6:30pm.
admission is $1.
for the love of god, please come. i'm terrified that there will not be an audience. it will be less than an hour and should be quite good.

okay, back to the to-do list. well sadly, the first to go was a set for the performance. i only had 2 and a half weeks to design, build, paint, and finish the set for my show. i had a budget of $0 and no help. so i just let it go. but then someone suggested that i go to the scene shop at ellis and putz around just to see what might be back there.

well.

1 three-walled flat, 2 gigantic door frames, about 7 assorted sized boxes, and one chair later, i had artfully assembled a pretty fierce set. went to walmart, bought 2 gallons of white paint and some rollers, and tomorrow i'm painting it all white. i plan to use some cool light effects to transform the scenery, which is why everything will be white. so if anything, come pay a dollar just to see what kind of a set i can make with virtually no resources and no help.

now to figure out how to look fashionable and professional in paint clothes tomorrow. a fun challenge, i must say.

go ahead and talk to me. i'm far, far away.

2009-01-06T14:48:00.001-06:00

ohmygosh i didn't even blog yesterday.
like, that's how bad it was.
geez. i have been back at school for two days and it feels like a month already. i have SO much to do. driving home from durand last night (which was a blast!), i started to get so depressed about life. driving down the curvy, luminescent-purply moonlit highway, listening to my trippy jams mix (duncan sheik, "stop this train" by john mayer, ingrid michaelson) just life in general. like who's GRAND idea was it that people should have to work for a living?

i understand that it's important to be productive and everything. and i guess i just represent the minority. most people probably enjoy (to some extent), waking up in the morning and having a purpose in life. a purpose that earns them (hopefully a lot of) money. and i'm not saying i disagree with that. i think its important to be productive and use your talents to earn a living. but what the hell is with the 40+ hours? i mean, that literally leaves you with nothing. and what you are left with just gets spent sleeping or taking care of your human needs. sleeping until the latest possible second, which means shampoo+conditioner in 1 (booo), ponytails, food-on-the-go (i about gagged when i opened up the ol' familiar ziplock baggie of frosted mini wheats), chipped off nailpolish. i was thinking of all of the beautiful moments in my life: painting on the back porch with music playing, riding bikes, snowy days at home with a movie, sleeping when you are tired and waking up when you are done sleeping, leisurely showering and dressing, home-cooked (and eaten) breakfasts.

"why do we ground ourselves when we know that we can fly?" - just jinger.

god that quote will NEVER stop meaning everything to me. this south african band that i listened to a hundred years ago made me stop in my tracks and think about every weekend trip or vacation or summer night spent being carefree and enjoying life. i still wonder why it is human nature to work so much. does anyone love working more than playing? so much so that this society is still being run by the work-force? like, if president obama took a national poll, don't you think that pretty much everyone would choose to not work if we didn't have to worry about money anymore? i wish the money-starved, workaholic maniacs would just work all day and leave the rest of us the hell alone. NONE of my students want to be at school, so why should i want to? if someone wants to keep on beating that dead horse day after day, then by all means. but please don't force the rest of us.

i want a utopia. like that movie, the beach. except it doesn't really have a happy ending (thus proving that utopia doesn't exist), but still. we're talking basic premise here. that somewhere on this earth is a place i can escape to and never work again. i just want to lay around on a beach or in the mountains and listen to music, drink tea, be artistic, be in love.

this is not a good mindset to have at age 25.
and it sucks so much. everyone i know is all excited about entering the work force and becoming a young professional.
yeah f that.
i'm ready to retire.

149 days until summer break. that's if we don't have anymore snow days. but i need at least one more before then.

this masquerade is getting older.

2009-01-04T21:44:00.002-06:00

ugh. time, inevitably, passes.
i remember all of the beautiful or bittersweet moments of my life when i have yearned for time to slow down...stop all together.

closing nights in woodstock, breakfast in sullivan, sleeping in hotel beds, sunday nights...

in all actuality, this holiday break has gone by slowly. lazy mornings in bed waking up and falling back asleep for hours, savoring every mug of tea and coffee, hot afternoon showers, unsolved mysteries marathons, game nights by the fireplace, falling asleep without setting an alarm.

part of all this is that i just get too sentimental. i dunno. i can't help it. i am a naturally contemplative person. to me, its pointless to be alive if you can't BE ALIVE. to feel and think and enjoy. so as day dwindled into night today i couldn't avoid the morose feeling that slowly overwhelmed me. back to work. time crunches and rushed meals and uncomfortable clothes and watching the clock. my break didn't even seem fun as it was happening but now that i don't have it anymore it seemed so perfect.

tonight was our xmas/goodbye party for my hobby lobby team. xmas because our schedules were too crazy to have it last week and goodbye because i decided i didn't have time to work there anymore this year and because susan's last day is on the 6th because she's going to NIU this spring. after 2 years of working there all day everyday with those four women, i really didn't know how to say goodbye. and i didn't realize how sad it would be. i have to look at this chapter in my life as exactly that...a chapter. a story within a story that had its own meaning and reason.

oooh. this entry came full circle. the ending of a chapter and the beginning of a new one.
goodbye 2008. hello 2009.

and this is for leslie, lynda, DLB, and suz. i will always love you all.

"i've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn. and we are led to those who help us most to grow if we let them...and we help them in return.

well, i don't know if i believe that's true, but i know i'm who i am today because i knew you.

like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes a sun; like a stream that meets a boulder halfway through the wood:
who can say if i've been changed for the better - but because i knew you, i have been changed for good.

it well may be that we will never meet again in this lifetime, so let me say before we part:
so much of me is made of what i learned from you. you'll be with me like a handprint on my heart.
and now whatever way our stories end, i know you have rewritten mine by being my friend."

comments.

2009-01-03T21:55:00.001-06:00

i fixed my blog.
so comment away.
comment until you cannot comment anymore.
and then go make your own blog so i can read it.
goodbye.

ps i have started my first ruffled arm warmer - so far its a success it think.

true amanda fashion.

2009-01-03T14:05:00.007-06:00

ok. i have to surrender.

i have spent the last two hours trying to figure out how to make the post a comment link at the bottom of my entries work (so that you all can leave me comments - thus one of the main objectives of this blog) and its not working. i simply cannot waste any more of my day on this problem. if you have insight, please help.

and i understand html as well as any intelligent person does. but if you tell me to find some kind of nonsense code in my edit profile box that doesn't exist, then please spare me your help. also, please do not send me to a link that is not found or has errors. or tell me to expand my widgets or whatever and then when i do it, nothing happens.

so today is like the fourth day that kyle and i have taken full advantage of the fact that we are on vacation and have done completely nothing. we've been by each other's side nonstop, watching one movie after another, staying up all night and sleeping all day. letting the candles burn all day long (cause we haven't left the house), eating delicious leftovers and drinking nothing but beer and liquor. i only took a few breaks to wash the dishes or make the bed. its been quite lovely.

i thought i would never want this bliss to end, but after almost a week of doing nothing, it has sorta made me feel stuffy and languid, which is going to motivate me to wake up on monday morning when i have to go back to work. thank god i don't hate work, otherwise we'd have some mega depression on the horizon. a part of me is excited to roll out of bed when its still morning and put on something smart and spray some perfume and GO. get some fresh air. listen to NPR again. see the everyday faces and have the everyday conversations. hopefully it won't get monotonous until somewhere around mid-march, when i will happily welcome spring break. and after spring break, the thought of summer brimming in the near future will probably be enough motivation to have some zest for the last month and a half or so.

so it'll be ok.

i have to direct my first production this spring. we're doing willy wonka jr. i have $327 in my theater budget. i sheepishly admit that i have NO clue what i'm doing. i guess i'm just going to wing it. and assume that next year will be better. that's the way i generally like to operate. when i don't know exactly what i'm in store for, or when a project seems huge and unmanageable, i just break the process down into extremely manageable portions by procrastinating and doing only what is necessary to get through the present moment.

for instance...choreographing the disney show is a HUGE task. huge. there's like 20 songs plus two long medleys. i have tons of visually stunning ideas and inspiration pouring in from everywhere (movies, performances i've seen recently, music, etc.). to manage this task, i probably should have started a binder like 3 months ago, designed a skeleton of formations and basic choreographic ideas for each song, and then as my ideas ripened and blossomed, add/change/edit/develop my design.

but um, i haven't started. like, not ONE dance move has been written down.

and we start this week.

so in the true amanda fashion i will be up all night the night before working until i fall asleep. and then i will use some after school time to finish the rest of the song, then scramble to fix a weird section in my head on the drive there.

and it always turns out pretty good, but never my best. and i feel like that is the story of my life.

always good, never the best.

anyway.

i am really excited that i am getting good at knitting. i was searching for patterns all night last night and have decided on LOTS of projects. i want to be a super-knitter. i want to have an etsy.com and sell my stuff. have people commission me to make knitted things. hats, scarves, cardigans, accessories. its going to be a slow-starting business though. i have only made scarves, which is like the no-brained project. i have this cool pattern that i plan to start today. i have this cool knit tricks book that has a lot of gorgeous projects in it. the first one i attempt will be the ruffled-edge hand warmers (see the picture at the bottom far right of the book cover), followed closely behind by a ruffled neck scarf and a cozy shrug.

i am making sure that i leave enough time for myself to do projects. to me, its a priority. at least it will be this year.
so if you can figure out how to leave a comment, that'd be wonderful.
if not...start a blogger.com of your own and share your thoughts with me there.

i made a wishlist on amazon.com that i plan to take seriously. as an avid shopper, i feel it is important document what i am currently interested in. so go see what i want.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/wishlist/3010ZYYHL02RN/ref=cm_wl_rlist_go

i'm off to spend quality time with my mother.

new blog. new year. new plan.

2009-01-02T21:56:00.000-06:00

hi.

its my new blog. created with the intention to organize my thoughts. as 2008 came to an end, i realized how much of my year had slipped away into a vague chasm. nights of watching movies or seeing friends or eating out fused into febu-embers and jul-arches. frinights and sunmornings.

when was that? were we with your family or mine that night?

this year, i hoped to put more emphasis on reflecting and savoring the present so that someday the future will be saturated with vivid and colorful memories.

thus, my blog.

i am going to start with my new year's plan. as i perch on the peak of 2009, i have quite the view of the year that lay out before me. it feels good to organize...color code...file & label. so for myself, i am creating my storyboard for 2009.

january:

back to school

singsation begins

my advanced thtr class puts on a production, "cafeteria food for the soul"

kyle's birthday - JAN 30! we're going to medeival times!

february:

valentine's day. low key for us - dinner date.

kyle's show opens - diary of anne frank

we plan on escaping to a log cabin for the weekend late february.

singsation rehearsals!

march:

kyle has a vocal collective trip to florida. home alone time for me!

singsation performances - march 13-14

my spring break - march 20-29 - we're going to see aaron in L.A.!

april:

dan & becca's wedding - april 3 (my 1st time being a bridesmaid!)

things slow down a little. i'll be in rehearsals for willy wonka jr., my 6-8 production.

my 26th birthday on april 28. whoa.

may:

willy wonka jr. performance - may 14

kyle will start working wherever he is going to work this summer.

hopefully somewhere close.

june-aug:

summer break!!

i have NO plans. none.

i hope to travel, get tan, shop, see kyle, celebrate the 4th of july, act/dance, do art, read.

september:

back to school; 2nd year teaching drama at ellis. being better prepared with lots of new ideas.

footloose rehearsals start in durand.

kyle goes back to rockford college.

october:

still teaching.

halloween!

november:

START MY XMAS SHOPPING EARLY.

another wonderful thanksgiving with kyle. our favorite day!

december:

hopefully NOT having to deal with a winter arts festival.

being merry & bright.

celebrating traditions and inventing new ones.

xmas!

new years eve...looking back at 2009 and analyzing my journey.

and because of this blog, i will to be able to keep 2009 vivid as it happens and as it fades away...