Relocation

I am relocating my blog to Wordpress. I prefer it. From now on, I will be posting blogs at my new location:

http://msamandajensen.wordpress.com/

See you there!

The Future I Cannot Forget

I've been having some very selfish thoughts lately. But I just see them so clearly; I can't help myself!
It's this visualization stuff. It just gets more and more vivid and clear.

I am very grateful to have grasped a pretty deep understanding of this life journey we make. I sit here today, 26 and feeling quite mature, remembering how mature I felt when I was 24. And then I think about how I could not have been more different two years ago. Every day I am learning, adjusting, responding, reflecting, commenting, improving. Which leads me to conclude that in two more years, I might be an entirely different person. How exciting!

So now I see the present as this fleeting thing. It just keeps rolling away from under me. One moment its 8am and I am drinking coffee and starting a new day, and then its 4pm and I am home and eager to relax and unwind. And before I know it, the sun has set and it's 9:30, time to start thinking about bed. It's just passing by so fast. I don't think I can live in the present moment anymore. It's quite exhausting! Instead, I have been thinking a lot about the future. Specifically, I have been thinking about the different twists and turns I may take along the way, each step getting stronger and better adjusted and more compassionate.

Step One is to give as much as I can at my current job. I definitely see the need to develop a strong curriculum and to inspire students to find an outlet through the performing arts; somewhere they can express their individuality and connect with others. I hope that sharing my knowledge and skills at work teaches me lessons as well. Lessons that lead me to my next step in life.

Eventually I will feel that there isn't much left for me at Ellis. Perhaps the days will grow monotonous, or it no longer feels like a challenge to achieve my goals. It is then that I will seek new opportunities, packing up the lessons and experiences and moving on.

And here is where the visualizations kick in. They are so vivid - down to the very last detail. When I think about the details and setting of this next chapter, I feel tingly with anticipation. Last night, in the quiet moments before I fell asleep, my mind was alive with pictures. It was almost as though I was Scrooge, being offered a glimpse of the future. It was so realistic, and the more I wanted it to be real, the more details I imagined

It was perfect. It was me and Kyle. We lived in Chicago with our kitties in an apartment with steps that led up to it. I seemed very peaceful and happy; there did not seem to be a presence of stress or anxiety at all. Kyle was working pretty steadily as an actor in the city; I was working as a choreographer for a college or small theater company. This is a job that is stable and profitable enough to make ends meet comfortably, but nothing more extravagant than that. It allows me to be creative and expressive, working with serious theater/dance students. I would teach classes during the day and choreograph the shows at night.

That is the synopsis of the whole story, with lots of details, friends, and locations filling in the empty spaces.

In the few short months it took me to become extremely inspired to become more generous, frugal, creative, positive, and open-minded, my life has progressed at lightening speed. I have changed into a person who is almost unrecognizable, and my life experiences are completely different, even day by day. At the rate I'm going, I don't think I could imagine who I could be after 4-6 years of generosity, money saving, creativity, positivity, and open-mindedness. Those are such powerful words and could change a nation, or a world, even. Who knows what could happen to one small person.

But I am so excited. Just...so excited. Life feels like it has just begun in a way.

Holiday Musings.

It's been quite awhile since I've blogged. Things are going quite great.

Work is swell. We had an Arts Festival that was a huge success! It was a rewarding experience for everyone involved and brought a strong sense of camaraderie to our school. Now only 10 days left of school until Winter Break! I can't believe this school year has whizzed by so fast. The languid, idyllic days of August seem like only moments ago sometimes. After Winter Break my musical theater class will be putting on a concert in March and then we are doing Seussical Jr. after that! (Whew!)

Kyle and I are anticipating his graduation next weekend and hoping to celebrate with a getaway weekend of sorts. We saw a terrific band at Kryptonite the other night - Strange Arrangement - some of the best live music I have ever seen in my life! They are playing next weekend in Chicago so we are trying to make that work.

Kyle and I are feeling mellow about the holidays. All we seem to see during the holidays is the stress, and we're just not going to be participating in that this year. We see no point in going to the mall or any other shopping destination. We are taking it upon ourselves (as a creative endeavor) to use only our resources and a necessary portion of our already humble cash flow. When we started to talk about it a few nights ago, we got excited. Forcing ourselves to think outside the box produced thoughtful and appropriate gift ideas that will be stimulating and enjoyable to put together. It should be a fun and rewarding holiday this year!

Man I've got choreography on the brain. I want to watch it, talk about it, make it up, listen to music, everything. I think about when I was little and would entertain myself by playing dress up, putting on music, and dancing. I would imagine the performance: lights, formations, costumes. And now I am working so closely with our new dance teacher, Cyndi, who is an inspiration to work with on a daily basis, as well as all of these new choreography opportunities getting started in Durand. Right now, all I want is time to connect with music and really great headphones. Old music, music I've never head of, music I am just getting in to. But I've got 10 days of school to truck through first before I can let the creative juices flow. I'm starting to feel really antsy for Winter Break. I guess I should be thankful that I am feeling that now, instead of in October...

Signing off for now.

We'll have fun fun fun.

Funny how a change of scenery makes all the difference.

What a different world I live in from the world I became so accustomed to this summer. Now the sun sets at 5pm. Now I wrap up in fleece, flannel, and wool to keep myself warm. Now there are concerts, festivals, classes, meetings, rehearsals. Now my only free time is on the weekends.

Have I changed since this summer? Of course.
But I don't feel worse. Or negative.

I feel so accomplished. I love my job and I love teaching, which makes the days flash by in a snap.
I feel so heathy. I have been doing so much moving, dancing, teaching, stretching, eating only when needed, not so much caffeine. As a teacher, you NEED that. Otherwise you just face plant and the kids run circles around you.
I feel positive and mostly rested (amazing). Perhaps that is what comes from finding inner peace and clarity - true clarity: that feeing of knowing exactly what you want and when you want it.

Visualize what you want and hang on to that picture. Print it out or paint it if you have to. (The more I look at trees, the more trees I see, the more beautiful they look, etc). The more you visualize, the more it will surround you - seriously!

Communicate honestly and assertively.

Keep your heart filled with love. If it starts to get low, remind yourself of something you're grateful for.
It is the season of Thanksgiving, after all.

Happy Holidays!

live high, live mighty, live righteously. takin' it easy...

fall has me feeling extremely creative, inspired, and philosophical.

next time you feel your temper rise, stop everything and ask yourself to find the positive. rephrase your negativity into what you're really feeling. maybe you feel disappointed, frustrated, fed-up, stressed out. whatever it is, it never gives you the right to spread it around to other people. never suppress emotions or apologize for being upset; it's human nature. but instead of blowing up and pushing everyone around you away, reach out for their help.

"i'm sorry, i'm just so upset about this. it really disappointed me." or "i'm sorry, i just have so much going on at work. it's hard for me to put a lot of thought into other things right now." or "i'm sorry, i just need to calm down for a minute. all of this stuff is really overwhelming me."

and then talk it out.

it will change everything, i promise.

sick kitty with a happy ending.

sick little gus. my sweet baby.

rushed to the vet friday because he kept trying (in agonizing pain) to wee all over the house. the vet said he has FLUTD - Feline Lower Urinary Tract Disorder.

incurable. :( BUT treatable & preventable.

fortunately, he had prompt medical attention and was given a new diet and heavy painkillers to make him loopy. i spent the weekend nursing my little guy and watching him suffer. it was terrible.

his suffering motivated me to devote this weekend to converting our dirty basement storage room into a living room. got lucky at garage sales & salvation army/goodwill, went crazy with my wetjet, threw out a lot of garbage, and moved 2 couches (one has a bed!), 2 comfy chairs, a huge area rug, a coffee table, and various other lighting/decor effects and now i am writing to you from my cozy new living space.

and i have a very happy little kitty (who is feeling MUCH better) snoozing on his blankie. he had a tiring day of playing and exploring in the new basement. his new diet seems to have done wonders for his little system & i am so happy to have my little orange kitty back to normal. both of my kitties are smothering me with love & gratitude. i knew living with 4 cats was going to be rough. i'm glad i got this basement opened up to give them all a little more room to spread out and claim.

my kitties deserve it. after all, they are my little rays of sunshine every day. and just in case i had forgotten, this weekend reminded me of how precious they are to me.

happy monday night. :)

lights will guide you home & ignite your bones

it takes an explosion to break something apart
to shatter into pieces all over the floor
in a really messy disarray

it takes some putting back together again
picking up the pieces and counting 1-2-3
sorting into piles and working into place
there were a lot of pieces

it takes the healing power of time
erasing thoughts, purging chemicals
easing up & starting fresh
and just go one day at a time.

the explosion was thursday. now, we fix.