lights will guide you home & ignite your bones

it takes an explosion to break something apart
to shatter into pieces all over the floor
in a really messy disarray

it takes some putting back together again
picking up the pieces and counting 1-2-3
sorting into piles and working into place
there were a lot of pieces

it takes the healing power of time
erasing thoughts, purging chemicals
easing up & starting fresh
and just go one day at a time.

the explosion was thursday. now, we fix.

things i might have done, complete with photos.

one memorial day to one labor day. the summer of 2009.
no longer the gently-passing moments of the present, but now a completed story: an entity.
it now has a name. it has music and smells and tastes that are associated with it. it is now the past.

it started with absorbing and photographing sunlight everywhere i went. sprinkled through the budding tree branches, washing over saturated blue skies, and sparkling over the surface of the rock river.

the sun peeking through the trees in late may

and the days became languid. heavy with warm air and endless sunlight, enchanted with fireflies and fluffy clouds. my nights became later as my body fell happily into its natural biologic rhythm. any notion of a schedule was far from my mind.

it became obvious that i would accompany kyle to the suburbs almost every day, where he was earning a living as an actor in the marriott's 25th annual putnam county spelling bee. my daily trips to the suburb became my times of inspiration and enlightenment. those beautiful clouds never quit, and the northwestern suburbs are packed with forest preserves to read books under trees in. i shared a silent and magical moment in a prairie with a deer and spent many lazy afternoons in the sunlight at the marriott pool. beautiful, beautiful memories.


a deer in the suburbs


a brilliant blue pool all to myself, day after day

then came the 4th of july. my beloved aaron was in town for the festivities, and my brother, susan, danielle, and more joined the celebration. the hazy rain put a damper on our cookout plans, but we still made quite a feast for our guests and walked from our apartment downtown to the jefferson street bridge, where we had the most beautiful view.


shopping for our independence day feast



our romantic spot



stunning view

when kyle finished spelling bee, the trips began. he and i were free to roam wherever we pleased day after day. we saw 6 cardinals game (st. louis twice, milwaukee three times, and philadelphia once). we drove to zion, IL to take in the beauty of lake michigan and the amazing clouds. we road tripped to pennsylvania for a jason mraz/dave matthews concert. we saw some of the most beautiful stretches of highway in the midwest. we listened to hours and hours of endless music. we walked on sand, skipped stones, tailgated in the mud, watched sunsets, chased storms, witnessed floods. all amazing and unforgettable experiences.


clouds from the highway


a stormy sky over the illinois river bridge near lasalle, IL


my favorite buddy to root for the cardinals with


beautiful sunset over busch stadium in st. louis, MO


under the arch in st. louis


pennsylvania mountains from our campground


dave matthews concert in hershey, PA


clouds hanging over the pennsylvania mountains


clouds to take your breath away over lake michigan in zion, IL


with my soulmate at the edge of illinois

eventually, the wanderlust faded. the money was all spent. and mine and kyle's jet-setting days were traded in for long, lazy days spent doing absolutely nothing but staying in bed for movie marathons, making delicious meals, taking walks, playing with the kitties, and enjoying having our apartment to ourselves. these days dragged by, but they were also the catalyst for some of the amazing and intimate bonding experiences kyle and i shared. i don't think we've ever connected as closely as we did this summer.


our resting spot while hiking @ rock cut state park


enjoying the fact that his mom has a pool


our official drink of summer: arizona sweet tea chased by arizona mango madness - YUM.


breakfast on the porch: grilled panini with apricot halves

the end of summer brought a few scattered activities and some family time. it ended with a bang at the jason mraz concert at the charter one pavilion in chicago, IL. it was video taped for a live album release this fall (!), and we waited in line ALL DAY LONG, earning us front-row-center spots. probably the most amazing day of my life.


dear friends new and old


oh, hi jason mraz


peace. love. music. summer...

which brings us to labor day 2009. and back to school. and autumn.
these are not all bad things.

labor day was lovely. a trip to milwaukee (just like how summer started on memorial day) to watch the cardinals beat the brewers, then to chicago to be entertained by my brother's band, the paradigm, who played at the red line tap.

back to school is perfectly all right. i need the productivity to remind me how beautiful summer will be when it rolls beguilingly back around. i'm having an amazing year so far. i'm really connecting with my students and having success after success with my lessons and activities. i am determined to build the drama program at ellis into something substantial! sure, my schedule is rough. never enough sleep, never enough time, a to-do list that adds items faster than i can check them off, and that's only school related. there's also durand, boyfriend, cleaning house, taking care of kitties, showering, running errands. yeah. it's hectic. but as i said, if summer lasted forever, it would stop being so sweet.

and autumn is always beautiful. i look forward to the colors of paradise. i look forward to watching the leaves fall to the ground revealing twisted and mystic trees silhouetted against the sky. i look forward to eating chili and stew and apple cider. i look forward to having a warm, cozy home, welcoming the holidays with a positive attitude and a heart full of love and gratitude.

life has become steady. finally.

so this posting is my ode to summer. my sorrowful farewell to the most incredible and happy nights of my life.
a promise to never ever forget.

"summer breeze, well it makes me feel fine, blowin' through the jasmine in my mind..."

"wake up sleepy head, i think the sun’s a little brighter today.
smile, and watch the icicles melt away and see the waters rising
summer’s here to stay, and that sweet summer breeze will blow forever.
go down to the shore, kick off your shoes, dive in the empty ocean."

"good day sunlight, i'd like to say how truly bright you are
you don't know me but i know you. you're my favorite star.
follow you i will so lets get moving"

8.5 months. but who's counting.

curbing emotion

so, summer has ended. is ending. will end. monday i go back to school. the end of summer will bring a sad & beautiful blog, but i'm still in denial (school doesn't OFFICIALLY start until monday, so i have 3 days...), so instead, i am going to blog about something on a lighter note.

MASCARA!!

if you didn't know or assume this about me, i am a mascara-guru who is quite picky about her eyelashes. i've had a few trusty brands, such as:







max factor 2000 calorie mascara (used this endlessly in college)







l'oreal volume shocking mascara (too high maitenance, but amazing results!)












maybelline colossal volum' mascara (the old trusty in my adult years)











but now, i have found a new lash-mate.

i recently picked up this one:







l'oreal extra volume collagen mascara

and it's my new favorite! this oversized wand makes me feel like i am a little girl using my mom's mascara, and when the brush glides over your lashes, it feels so big and fat that my eyelashes haven't a chance of staying thin and blonde.

exceptional!!

gush

jason mraz's "the remedy", reggae-style live @ hersheypark stadium in PA. i love it. actually more like obsessed.
and i was there!!

road trip aftermath

so our big summer road trip was shortened to 4 days instead of two weeks, and thank god for that.  i had no idea how rough that highway road could be.  i'm glad we went; we learned a lot about ourselves and our coping abilities and we also had a few breathtaking moments amidst it all.  but here are some things we encountered along the road trip from IL to PA.

1. TOLLS

it cost $146 to drive from IL to PA and back.  it cost $90 in tolls.  N-I-N-E-T-Y dollars.  i mean, that cannot be legal.  pennsylvania was by far the most expensive.  for a highway crammed with trucks and major highway construction across the whole state (55mph was about as fast as i drove in PA), it should have been free.  instead, the state of PA charged me around $45 to use it's turnpike.  ROBBERY.  i'll never go back.

2. PHILADELPHIA

the worst city in the united states.  in the two hours we spent there, we dealt with heavy traffic congestion, 100 degree weather, obnoxious tailgating fans, and extremely poor sportsmanship inside the phillies stadium.  i have been to several baseball stadiums, and NEVER have i seen so many reminders flash across the megatron instructing the fans to maintain orderly conduct.  sheesh.  isn't that the general code of being an adult?  the fans were pointing lasers at the cardinals players in the middle of the game, causing game delays in extremely excruciating and uncomfortable heat.  i mean come on.  the experience was so terrible that we left the game early in order to just get out of philly and go home.  turns out, a man was BEATEN TO DEATH at the game we were at. 

3. FLOODS & HOTELS

so it's dark.  and we've been driving since 7:30am from rockford, IL.  and we can't get to our (paid for) campsite because the roads are flooded.  all of them, apparently.  because every way we tried to get to the campground was blocked due to flooding.  strange places, rushing water, police lights, confused gps, upside down maps.  all of this was far too much for us to handle, so we had to throw down an unplanned $90 for a hotel.  for a little peace of mind and a soft, dry surface to sit on, though, it was pretty much worth it.  what is with hotels charging full rates for traveler's who check in at 11:30pm?  i mean, are we really going to take $90 worth of showers.  dirty $90 worth of sheets?  eat $90 worth of continental breakfasts (not if that means waking up before 9am).  i could see paying $90 to enjoy the comfort of a hotel all day long: a place to store your stuff, swim, work out, relax, etc.  but just to walk in, set bags down, pee, and sleep??  ridiculous.  that hotel should have cost us $49. 

we actually wound up wasting a night of camping (2 night minimum stay = no refund).  on the way home, we actually checked into another hotel room, but this one was pretty much planned.  we tried to find the crappiest (while still safe) looking one, and so we landed at a ramada in breezewood, PA.  everything about the place screamed $54.99, so i walked in to check it out.  sure enough, $54 was what i was quoted, and a $54 room was what we got.  hard to find, smelly, shady, run-down, no pool, stains on the carpet, etc.  i get home to check my bank account, and apparently that ramada charged me $84.  

i guess that's what happens when you have an employee who doesn't speak excellent english at the front desk.  $84 sounded like $54.  i just paid $84 to spend 12 hours at one of the crappiest facilities in the united states.  seriously.  what a waste!

moving on:

4. JASON MRAZ + DMB IN CONCERT

absolutely amazing.  it left me breathless.  watching the sun set over a crazy crowd of music-infused fans was magical.  it was a peaceful celebration of music and beauty.  so wonderful, that now we have tickets to see mraz in concert on august 13 in chicago.  i am so excited - it's the ONLY thing on my mind.

so that's pretty much all that needs to be said.  there were jokes and conversations, of course, along the endless stretch of highway.  beautiful rolling mountains topped with foggy wisps.  tailgating after a torrential downpour before the concert, laughing and dancing and covered with mud.  meeting friendly people from out east who spoke like they were from jersey and laughed at our silly midwestern accents.

driving is exhausting.  and boring.  camping requires too much packing.  sleeping bags, food, supplies.  the car was a constant stressor; packing, unpacking, repacking.  the weather was mostly miserable.  wet and soggy and flooded taking turns with relentless humid summer sun, the kind of heat and humidity that NO human would be comfortable in.  

but it was an experience.  a story to tell.  a memory of sweet summer.

the music made it worthwhile.

next time, we'll drive somewhere else.

and see what happens.

pictures up soon on my facebook...

vent

1. people drinking beer out of my glasses on my back porch.

2. uninvited guests spending another night on my couch with their bare feet on my expensive throw pillows, sleeping under my blanket.

3. people talking to my kitties.

4. 5 people sharing a bathroom.

5. a bird tweeting - nay, shrieking - nonstop.

6. pms.

7. coke cans not on coasters (i don't drink coke).

8. constant crumbs on my kitchen counter.  i've cleaned them up three times now, and still haven't eaten in my kitchen in two days.

9. belongings.  all. over. my. apartment.  my apartment that i keep meticulously clean during the summer.

10.  the tv blaring nonstop.

11.  people playing my board games.

12. other people's hair all over my shower.

13. 5 people using the 1 tube of toothpaste in our apartment (and i bought that toothpaste).

14. piano banging.  and banging.

15. bodies splayed across my living room couches.  

all this, and i leave for vacation tomorrow.

i've done nothing but sob and freak out all day.

i couldn't be less excited to go on vacation.  not while i am too mad to concentrate on what i need to pack.  not while there are a thousand annoying voices in my mind, canceling out the voice in my own head.

this has RUINED my summer.  my delirious summer that felt like a dreamworld everyday.

IT'S TIME FOR THE ROOMMATE TO MOVE OUT.

time traveler's wife

it's sunrise.

there's this gentle blue-lavender light that has softly begun to fill my bedroom.  it started as just a dim glow, only just outlining shadows and contours around me, and now it has relaxed into a magical presence.

it's really not so magical.  it's weird.  being up at this time is not much different than being up at any other time.  doors make the same sound when they click shut, air conditioners whirr, items remain where you left them.  i guess i used to think that the night was more forbidden and captivating.

i am sitting up in my bed, unable to sleep yesterday away.  my eyes feel dry and they burn when i close them, but my body is in the mood for a walk.

i could write a story, or make some tea.  but i just want to sit here.  i want to sit here, breathing in and out, forcing time to slow down.

i am thinking about how much i love this person that shares this bed with me every night.  even now, completely asleep, i want to bury my nose into his smell and burrow my body next to his and keep trapping these fleeting (but incredible), dear moments forever.

i just finished an amazing, amazing novel. and i won't ever forget it.  and in this serene, dawn-lit moment of my life, i have never ever been happier.