i've got the sun in the morning and the moon at night.

i really should be cleaning the disgusting bathroom sink right now.  it's got soap and hair and dust all over it.  but i took one look at it just now and ALMOST cleaned it, but then i thought, eh.  it's spring break.  disgusting sinks can wait.  i want to blog.

the last three days have been completely carefree and perfect.  sunny weather, no plans.  sleeping in late.  not getting out of bed until even later.  lazy lunches, driving around, seeing plays.  no constricting work clothes.  we stocked the fridge with lots of beer and snacks and now there are just movies to watch and games to be played.  kyle and i are both in happy moods.  it's just been wonderful.  it makes me so excited for summer, when the days will all be like this.  sunny days, rainy days, lazy days, peaceful days.  

it's time for me to stop shopping.  i'd been having some fun weeks for a while, basically buying whatever i needed and most of what i wanted.  but after doing some mental math yesterday i decided that the leftover amount in my bank account has reached that unfriendly, smaller number that makes you have to count and budget more.  boo.  having a shopping addiction is so hard.

i tried to buy wedding shoes yesterday.  good news: $10.  bad news: i HATE them with the dress and have to return them.  they are GORGEOUS shoes.  black and strappy with dripping rhinestones all over them.  but this bridesmaid dress is so ethereal and effervescent.  its very fairy-like, or grecian-goddess.  yesterday i tried to just close my eyes and visualize the PERFECT SHOE for the dress, and i just can't do it.  it's a fairy dress.  i want to be barefoot!  or wear cool foot jewelry.  so the hunt is still on for ethereal black strappy heels.  hm.  send me a link if you find anything...but hopefully from a store in rockford...i don't think i have time to order any!  i just found these online; i kinda like them.  simple and delicate, yes.  but patent?  siiiiigh.  

well i'm off to a meeting right now.  if all goes well, you'll hear about it.

things coming together; things coming undone.

it's been so long. it's not that i don't want to blog. 

my mind has just been zip-darting in a million different directions.  and my body has had to be up and at 'em at WAY too many places.

so durand is over now.  it got pretty intense toward the end, as all productions do.  bad attitudes, stress, time crunches, frustrating situations.  but opening night came.  and as all productions do, it magically pulled together and i was so very proud of my hard work and of the inspiring students.  i have become quite close with some of those kids and will really miss them.  i'm not sure what the future holds, now that amanda won't be returning.  i do know that i was not ready to say goodbye.

things at the day job have been sublime.  i'm doing a good job, which feels good.  i feel like i am making a difference at this school and in the lives of my students.  my lessons are (for the most part) interesting, diverse, and well-developed.  my principal loves me, which is probably the best part.  my facilities are amazing, i have a lot of freedom, and i am surrounded by ALL of the arts everyday.  i feel like i am in the PERFECT place right now; it's so fulfilling. 

and i just found out that i'm already re-hired for next year!  no questions asked, no paperwork, no waiting to "see", nothin.  just keep on getting paid all summer and show up in the fall.  nice.

it's SPRING BREAK!!!  i have virtually NO plans and that's totally cool.

i have an extremely exciting job prospect for this summer, but don't have all of the information yet, so i won't disclose until i know more.  

i have been doing some good shopping lately.  got some clearance stuff at target: a red and black flowered winter-to-spring transition dress and an swingy, spandex black dress for summer (awesome).  i still need to find some dressy black heels for the wedding.  something open-toe that doesn't have an ankle strap (bad news for us short-legged girls).   everytime i've planned to go look for shoes, i wind up wandering off the planned path.

like tonight, for example.  i decided to go shoe shopping, but went to the goodwill first.

WELL.

i got lots of stuff - good sales!  pj pants, long sweatshirt, a few hippie shirts, 3 pashmina scarves, 2 tshirts for kyle, a wide, burnt sienna belt, a couple of costume pieces for the upcoming play (the other side of the wall) that my advanced theater class is putting on, a gray plaid skirt for spring, a beige shrug, a white peasant shirt to wear to sunday morning breakfasts (or humid roadtrips), and a structured, zippered jacket in black, to name a few.  yeah, jackpot.  it's so nice that spring (and eventually summer) is here.  i am eager to stop thinking about sweater dresses and suede boots and am definitely feeling ready for skinny capris, gypsy skirts, and shirtdresses.  

except i'm almost 26.  and even though my weight had remained relatively stable and healthy, it still doesn't change the fact that my undereye circles have definitely not gotten any less purple.  or that my skin hasn't loosened a little.  or that i have a rapidly growing spider vein on my leg.  or that i just don't look 17 anymore.  it's really starting to get to me.  keeping myself feeling presentable and confident just gets harder and harder.  ugh.  enough of this; i'm getting depressed.

then guess what:  i finally got my industrial piercing tonight!

yes, it hurt.  really bad at first.

i'm feeling okay right now, but i probably have a few painful weeks coming up.

i'm feeling more than okay now.  i feel like i really have a lot of wonderful things in the future headed my way.  i am all smiles, all optimistic, feeling everything fall into place.

dizzy roadtrip competitions.

life started going too fast.  too much to do.  definitely not enough time to do it all.  i have three things to talk about.  since i am starting this blog apologizing for how hectic life has been for me lately, let's start with number one.

1. MY HEALTH

the sound of my footsteps walking briskly down the long hallway of my school rattle noisily in my delicate brain.  to the office to drop off a document, to the copy room to make 35 copies before my next class.  my time is not my own; it belongs to the bell.  2 minutes to finish this.  47 minutes to finish that.  all day, my ears are pained by the sound of shrill, shrieking middle school voices.  the sound of their voices never stops.  never.  

and it's not just this job.

wake up.  stumble downstairs for caffeine.  hungry kitties.  scrape the windows.  dodge the east state bridge.  fight through the exhaustion to make my lessons meaningful.  85 minutes of planning time, which i spend deciding how to spend that 85 minutes.  wait for kyle.  yearn to walk in the house and stay there.  scramble for sweatpants.  heart starts to pound.  settle on cheez-its for dinner.  temples pound.  drive dizzily across town in rush hour traffic.  piercing, splitting headache.  car wrenches to the left, to the right.  my stomach goes with it.  the minutes don't belong to me.  :37.  :48.  :56.  never enough time.  shallow breaths.  potholes.  writhing in pain.  my head.  my head.  my head.

and so it went like this for about 3 months, and then more things happened.

thinking.  thinking.  working.  planning.  BOOM.  brain melts.  lava-lamp spots dance goo-ily in my eyes.  the lights flicker.  i teeter.  my head bobs along a watery current...slowing to a calm, back and forth consciousness and then slamming into a tidal wave.  black.  white.  fuzzy.  blue.  

3 hours go by and i am still imprisoned in this dizzying, double-visioned nightmare.  my heart races.  i tried to eat.  still the same.  deciding i must be exhausted, i go home and sleep.

when nothing changes the next day, i go to the doctor.  he checks my blood.  monitors my heart for 24 hours.  makes me even more dizzy by making me lay down and sit up.  i have a fever.  i am shaky.  i panic.

the good news is that i've been feeling much better over the last few days.  the bad news is that nothing has been diagnosed yet, and i am fearful that i might be hit with it again.  tomorrow is a day off.  i plan to spend it in complete relaxation.

2. KYLE'S AMAZING TALENT THAT GOT HIM A JOB AND SUMMER 2009.

my boyfriend is exceptionally talented.  everytime i see him onstage in something new, he impresses me all over again with something vivid and new.  detailed and intimate.  go see the diary of anne frank at rockford college.  he is absolutely astounding.

all this talent got him a terrific job this summer that will keep him mostly in my arms during the hot and lazy days and will reward him fruitfully in the evenings.  i think i am planning on doing nothing this summer.  i just want to sprawl out and remain still in the sunshine.

when his job finishes up at the end of july, he and i will have a whole glorious month off together.  so we have planned a long and inspiring road trip out west.  i think about it every free second i have (which is not much).  through illinois, missouri, oklahoma, texas, new mexico, arizona, utah, nevada, and california up to oregon, idaho, wyoming, colorado, nebraska, iowa.  taking it slow.  seeing amazing parks and landforms.  sleeping in the car during thunderstorms.  in tents under starry night skies.  with the windows open at a beach-side hostel.  see some shows.  listen to music.  slow down.  it's going to be remarkable.

3. SHOW CHOIR COMPETITION

today we brought durand singsation to brodhead, WI for a show choir competition.  words seriously cannot describe it, but i am going to try.

it was amazing.  

i have never seen such talented performers or witnessed such thriving music programs in schools.  sequins, fans, sets, combo bands, costume changes.  we were packed into the gymnasium with a million people.  all of us dancing, all of us cheering.  the incredible groups onstage performed everything from "all that jazz" to "higher ground" to "4 minutes."  it was the coolest thing i've ever seen.  i would love to someday work at a school that has a program as strong as those.  amanda and i are going to work hard to bring durand up a few notches every year.  little by little we want to strengthen this program to create something that the kids and us can be proud of.  baby steps.

as exciting as today was, it was also a little depressing.  melancholy.  i remember being in high school and being in show choir.  it's sad to think that that chapter of my life is over and now i am the 25 year old.  i can't help but be bitter that i didn't have an awesome show choir/musical theater program at my high school.  i think that it would have taken me different places in my life.  i would have realized how much i loved performing even more.  would have been challenged.  would have grown up with peers who had the same passions as me.

instead i was a big fish in a small pond who got released into the big pond of life.  and there are some huge fish out there. 

i'm exhausted.

beautiful things.

this is the blog for beautiful things.

valentine's day. kyle and i had no plans. no expectations. just a saturday together with the apartment to ourselves. we had coffee and krispy kremes (with valentines sprinkles).



and we ran errands. and gave extra kisses. and said extra nice things. and then i had to drop him off for his valentine cabaret show at rockford college. i got a little thrift shopping done and went to watch my beloved boy sing onstage for me. i took a little extra time to style my choppy, razor-y, shaggy haircut and wore hot pink tights. and i had pink wine and listened to the love songs. lovely.



that's what kyle did onstage.

and some of the performances were so wonderful. there was this original song by this girl named cassie. and i love it. absolutely beautiful. i started to think about how beautiful music is. how extraordinary the people who make that beautiful music come into the world are. without those extraordinary people, we would have no music. no poetry. no art. people are like the vessels through which beauty can be communicated.

anyway, here is her song, rope of love. i completely love it. love as in i want the recording, want to sing the lyrics to kyle, want to never forget it. the song takes me away into a wonderful world of morning sunlight, flannel comforters, and east state street traffic rumbling outside. of hungry, meowing kitties and snooze buttons.

thank you for the music, cassie.



here are the lyrics (she wrote them!):

sunlight slips through cracks between the blinds, painting pictures of new life upon your face
alarm clock - i turned it off three mintues fast so that the roar from its' blast wouldn't startle you awake
coffee- it's brewin' downstairs as we lay, ready to jump-start our day, at least for awhile
but we won't need it- cause i called you in sick today, and in this bed is where you'll stay...

(bridge) so let me see you smile, let me watch you wake up
i can help you make up excuses why you won't be into work today
so close your eyes, i'll help you fantasize
we can turn this bed into a whole new place

(chorus) lay me down, i'm your object of desire
just lay me down in these sheets made out of fire
just lay me down - do with me whatever you can think of
bind me in your rope of love

your eyes- flutter open from the light, peering head on into mine first thing they see
your hands- gently caressing my face then pull me close for embrace for safety
your heart- a familiar tune I know, i've memorized its' metronome, steady and strong
your arms- lying in their safe haven - that's how I know where I belong

(bridge)
(chorus)

so let me see you smile, let me watch you wake up
i can help you make up excuses why you won't be into work today
so take my hand, your request is my command
hold on tight boy - i'll do whatever you say

(chorus)

beautiful, huh?
so after the cabaret we went out and had dinner at our favorite little date spot, the capri.

and now its sunday and i don't have school tomorrow. and i got my tax returns back. and i am carefree. and i have road trips and mountains and warm california breezes on my mind...

on a happier note...

i found a new audition song. west virginia public theatre, look out.

god, i'm a dancer. a dancer dances.

i've been found out.
i can't play pretend anymore.

inside of me, there is an amanda you don't know.

but tonight, i decided to tell you about her.

it's about my car. it got repossessed.

the details aren't important. well, they probably are important. but right now, on this very solemn saturday night, i am not thinking about details.

i'm not afraid to admit that i'm broke. poor.

 i have nothing to be ashamed of.

i teach at-risk students all day every day, and i have to live with a roommate in an apartment in order to stay afloat. i align my lesson plans to the illinois state standards and put a giant word wall up in my room, and i can't even splurge on brand-name groceries.  

i wish i could say that the problem could be easily solved if i stopped buying myself frivolous things all the time...but the last frivolous thing i bought for myself was probably shampoo. i'm not even sure if shampoo qualifies as frivolous. i want so badly to save money, but it's pretty hard to do when you sit down to balance your budget and realize that after you pay your bills, you only have 11.19 in your checking account (and thank god for that 11.19, because you need gas in order to get to work tomorrow).

it depresses me to exist in a world where the poor are wrong. the poor are punished. you were $3 short in your bank account? don't worry...we'll pay that $12.50 check for you and then charge you an overdraft fee of THIRTY SIX DOLLARS. yeah, that helps me. helps me save money, get back on my feet, keep more for next time.

i don't have a gym membership. i don't shop at the mall. i don't buy starbucks coffee. i don't whiten my teeth and i don't check facebook from my cell phone. i don't go to fancy salons to get my hair done. don't see a therapist or chiropractor or any other negligible health care providers. i turn off the lights when i leave the room and i recycle. i buy clothes from thrift stores and tj maxx.

i'm trying to be as financially stable as possible while forcing myself to believe in the intangible rewards that come from teaching young minds.

i'm trying to forget that places like new york exist. and that somewhere there is beautiful music playing that i don't get to hear. and that i could be spending my days somewhere else. spread out in the sunshine.  doing yoga where the ocean meets the sand.  driving fast down a highway.  somewhere else.

i'm trying to forget that i am a dancer who doesn't dance.

life is a cabaret, old chum.

i haven't been feeling well. i think kyle gave me something, which is an unusual thing to happen. his immune system is very weak and mine is very strong, so i don't normally worry about whether or not he's going to get me sick. but this time, i think he did. it was the weirdest sickness i've ever had. screaming headache, sore throat, queazy stomach. my body craved liquids and nourishment, but the thought of eating made me gag. monday night, after a severe bought of head pain, stress & anxiety, rushing to get places, eating poorly all day, crying, and writhing in tummy pain, i managed to get down a jr. roast beef sandwich and an applesauce cup from arby's, but i think the ibuprofen i took with it helped more than the food. either way, i still felt kinda bad on tuesday so i stayed home to recover.

however, tuesday couldn't be the perfect sick day. you know, box of kleenex beside you, movie marathons, soup and 7up. i actually had to run a crucial errand. i had to go to rock valley college to pay an ancient parking violation so that they would take my account off the stop list and give me my damn transcripts. i need these transcripts in order to keep my job at ellis. they need to have complete records of every employee's business, and they have been harrassing me for a while to get it taken care of. while i'm on this topic, i need to make a quick statement about how everything is only open from 9-5 and how everyone works from 9-5. how can we get anything done besides our JOB?

so that's where the sick day comes in. partially sick, partially in need of a DAY (i.e. 9-5pm) to get this taken care of. so over to rock valley i go. whatever. drive in...see students. notice changes. remember what it feels like to walk outside farther than a parking-lot-to-front-door trek between the hours of 9am and 5pm. i remember really enjoying that about college. it was a chance to experience life as it happened to you. sometimes when i sit in my windowless room hour after hour and day after day, i can't believe that months go by. but when you can park your car and get out and physically move yourself somewhere by moving your legs and breathing the outside air, you're reminded that its february. or october. or may. or raining. or hot.

haha. i got to the student center. it was all bustling with a million 19 year olds eating pizza and sitting on the internet. different than when i was there and the student center wasn't remodeled. plus i was never the kind of person to stay on campus all day. but anyway, i walked around for a while trying to find the stairs, and then i found them. the same stairway that was there when i was there. heavy double doors. wide wooden staircases. slushy, salty tile on the landings in between. always smelling sort of sweaty and musty. and i remembered how much i hated - HATED - trudging up those god-forsaken stairs. i would have just come in from outside, where i had just walked as quickly as possible in my winter wear to get out of the frigid weather, only to begin sweating immediately once inside. ugh, i remember really hating how i would get all sweaty climbing those stairs. i would have to stop and peel off all of my winter wear and then carry it all.

and then i was just there again. 2002. rock valley college. mr. beert and choir in building A and alex mcintyre and cabaret and size 2 jeans and robert quinn and mike webb's theater class. snowy walks with eric after acting. rob and JB the potheads. prime-time parking spaces. 9.11.01. french (irish?) drinking songs. getting my belly button pierced. voice lessons. no facebook. holy shit i'm old.

i started to think about college and how it's pretty tragic that i was so immature for most of it. what a waste. i would be SO good at college if i could go back. it seems so easy. much easier than paying bills and reporting to work every morning. just sit and absorb. take it all in. spit a little bit back out.

i'd still hate the stairs though.



i was a size 2. and life was a cabaret.