beautiful things.

this is the blog for beautiful things.

valentine's day. kyle and i had no plans. no expectations. just a saturday together with the apartment to ourselves. we had coffee and krispy kremes (with valentines sprinkles).



and we ran errands. and gave extra kisses. and said extra nice things. and then i had to drop him off for his valentine cabaret show at rockford college. i got a little thrift shopping done and went to watch my beloved boy sing onstage for me. i took a little extra time to style my choppy, razor-y, shaggy haircut and wore hot pink tights. and i had pink wine and listened to the love songs. lovely.



that's what kyle did onstage.

and some of the performances were so wonderful. there was this original song by this girl named cassie. and i love it. absolutely beautiful. i started to think about how beautiful music is. how extraordinary the people who make that beautiful music come into the world are. without those extraordinary people, we would have no music. no poetry. no art. people are like the vessels through which beauty can be communicated.

anyway, here is her song, rope of love. i completely love it. love as in i want the recording, want to sing the lyrics to kyle, want to never forget it. the song takes me away into a wonderful world of morning sunlight, flannel comforters, and east state street traffic rumbling outside. of hungry, meowing kitties and snooze buttons.

thank you for the music, cassie.



here are the lyrics (she wrote them!):

sunlight slips through cracks between the blinds, painting pictures of new life upon your face
alarm clock - i turned it off three mintues fast so that the roar from its' blast wouldn't startle you awake
coffee- it's brewin' downstairs as we lay, ready to jump-start our day, at least for awhile
but we won't need it- cause i called you in sick today, and in this bed is where you'll stay...

(bridge) so let me see you smile, let me watch you wake up
i can help you make up excuses why you won't be into work today
so close your eyes, i'll help you fantasize
we can turn this bed into a whole new place

(chorus) lay me down, i'm your object of desire
just lay me down in these sheets made out of fire
just lay me down - do with me whatever you can think of
bind me in your rope of love

your eyes- flutter open from the light, peering head on into mine first thing they see
your hands- gently caressing my face then pull me close for embrace for safety
your heart- a familiar tune I know, i've memorized its' metronome, steady and strong
your arms- lying in their safe haven - that's how I know where I belong

(bridge)
(chorus)

so let me see you smile, let me watch you wake up
i can help you make up excuses why you won't be into work today
so take my hand, your request is my command
hold on tight boy - i'll do whatever you say

(chorus)

beautiful, huh?
so after the cabaret we went out and had dinner at our favorite little date spot, the capri.

and now its sunday and i don't have school tomorrow. and i got my tax returns back. and i am carefree. and i have road trips and mountains and warm california breezes on my mind...

on a happier note...

i found a new audition song. west virginia public theatre, look out.

god, i'm a dancer. a dancer dances.

i've been found out.
i can't play pretend anymore.

inside of me, there is an amanda you don't know.

but tonight, i decided to tell you about her.

it's about my car. it got repossessed.

the details aren't important. well, they probably are important. but right now, on this very solemn saturday night, i am not thinking about details.

i'm not afraid to admit that i'm broke. poor.

 i have nothing to be ashamed of.

i teach at-risk students all day every day, and i have to live with a roommate in an apartment in order to stay afloat. i align my lesson plans to the illinois state standards and put a giant word wall up in my room, and i can't even splurge on brand-name groceries.  

i wish i could say that the problem could be easily solved if i stopped buying myself frivolous things all the time...but the last frivolous thing i bought for myself was probably shampoo. i'm not even sure if shampoo qualifies as frivolous. i want so badly to save money, but it's pretty hard to do when you sit down to balance your budget and realize that after you pay your bills, you only have 11.19 in your checking account (and thank god for that 11.19, because you need gas in order to get to work tomorrow).

it depresses me to exist in a world where the poor are wrong. the poor are punished. you were $3 short in your bank account? don't worry...we'll pay that $12.50 check for you and then charge you an overdraft fee of THIRTY SIX DOLLARS. yeah, that helps me. helps me save money, get back on my feet, keep more for next time.

i don't have a gym membership. i don't shop at the mall. i don't buy starbucks coffee. i don't whiten my teeth and i don't check facebook from my cell phone. i don't go to fancy salons to get my hair done. don't see a therapist or chiropractor or any other negligible health care providers. i turn off the lights when i leave the room and i recycle. i buy clothes from thrift stores and tj maxx.

i'm trying to be as financially stable as possible while forcing myself to believe in the intangible rewards that come from teaching young minds.

i'm trying to forget that places like new york exist. and that somewhere there is beautiful music playing that i don't get to hear. and that i could be spending my days somewhere else. spread out in the sunshine.  doing yoga where the ocean meets the sand.  driving fast down a highway.  somewhere else.

i'm trying to forget that i am a dancer who doesn't dance.

life is a cabaret, old chum.

i haven't been feeling well. i think kyle gave me something, which is an unusual thing to happen. his immune system is very weak and mine is very strong, so i don't normally worry about whether or not he's going to get me sick. but this time, i think he did. it was the weirdest sickness i've ever had. screaming headache, sore throat, queazy stomach. my body craved liquids and nourishment, but the thought of eating made me gag. monday night, after a severe bought of head pain, stress & anxiety, rushing to get places, eating poorly all day, crying, and writhing in tummy pain, i managed to get down a jr. roast beef sandwich and an applesauce cup from arby's, but i think the ibuprofen i took with it helped more than the food. either way, i still felt kinda bad on tuesday so i stayed home to recover.

however, tuesday couldn't be the perfect sick day. you know, box of kleenex beside you, movie marathons, soup and 7up. i actually had to run a crucial errand. i had to go to rock valley college to pay an ancient parking violation so that they would take my account off the stop list and give me my damn transcripts. i need these transcripts in order to keep my job at ellis. they need to have complete records of every employee's business, and they have been harrassing me for a while to get it taken care of. while i'm on this topic, i need to make a quick statement about how everything is only open from 9-5 and how everyone works from 9-5. how can we get anything done besides our JOB?

so that's where the sick day comes in. partially sick, partially in need of a DAY (i.e. 9-5pm) to get this taken care of. so over to rock valley i go. whatever. drive in...see students. notice changes. remember what it feels like to walk outside farther than a parking-lot-to-front-door trek between the hours of 9am and 5pm. i remember really enjoying that about college. it was a chance to experience life as it happened to you. sometimes when i sit in my windowless room hour after hour and day after day, i can't believe that months go by. but when you can park your car and get out and physically move yourself somewhere by moving your legs and breathing the outside air, you're reminded that its february. or october. or may. or raining. or hot.

haha. i got to the student center. it was all bustling with a million 19 year olds eating pizza and sitting on the internet. different than when i was there and the student center wasn't remodeled. plus i was never the kind of person to stay on campus all day. but anyway, i walked around for a while trying to find the stairs, and then i found them. the same stairway that was there when i was there. heavy double doors. wide wooden staircases. slushy, salty tile on the landings in between. always smelling sort of sweaty and musty. and i remembered how much i hated - HATED - trudging up those god-forsaken stairs. i would have just come in from outside, where i had just walked as quickly as possible in my winter wear to get out of the frigid weather, only to begin sweating immediately once inside. ugh, i remember really hating how i would get all sweaty climbing those stairs. i would have to stop and peel off all of my winter wear and then carry it all.

and then i was just there again. 2002. rock valley college. mr. beert and choir in building A and alex mcintyre and cabaret and size 2 jeans and robert quinn and mike webb's theater class. snowy walks with eric after acting. rob and JB the potheads. prime-time parking spaces. 9.11.01. french (irish?) drinking songs. getting my belly button pierced. voice lessons. no facebook. holy shit i'm old.

i started to think about college and how it's pretty tragic that i was so immature for most of it. what a waste. i would be SO good at college if i could go back. it seems so easy. much easier than paying bills and reporting to work every morning. just sit and absorb. take it all in. spit a little bit back out.

i'd still hate the stairs though.



i was a size 2. and life was a cabaret.