god, i'm a dancer. a dancer dances.

i've been found out.
i can't play pretend anymore.

inside of me, there is an amanda you don't know.

but tonight, i decided to tell you about her.

it's about my car. it got repossessed.

the details aren't important. well, they probably are important. but right now, on this very solemn saturday night, i am not thinking about details.

i'm not afraid to admit that i'm broke. poor.

 i have nothing to be ashamed of.

i teach at-risk students all day every day, and i have to live with a roommate in an apartment in order to stay afloat. i align my lesson plans to the illinois state standards and put a giant word wall up in my room, and i can't even splurge on brand-name groceries.  

i wish i could say that the problem could be easily solved if i stopped buying myself frivolous things all the time...but the last frivolous thing i bought for myself was probably shampoo. i'm not even sure if shampoo qualifies as frivolous. i want so badly to save money, but it's pretty hard to do when you sit down to balance your budget and realize that after you pay your bills, you only have 11.19 in your checking account (and thank god for that 11.19, because you need gas in order to get to work tomorrow).

it depresses me to exist in a world where the poor are wrong. the poor are punished. you were $3 short in your bank account? don't worry...we'll pay that $12.50 check for you and then charge you an overdraft fee of THIRTY SIX DOLLARS. yeah, that helps me. helps me save money, get back on my feet, keep more for next time.

i don't have a gym membership. i don't shop at the mall. i don't buy starbucks coffee. i don't whiten my teeth and i don't check facebook from my cell phone. i don't go to fancy salons to get my hair done. don't see a therapist or chiropractor or any other negligible health care providers. i turn off the lights when i leave the room and i recycle. i buy clothes from thrift stores and tj maxx.

i'm trying to be as financially stable as possible while forcing myself to believe in the intangible rewards that come from teaching young minds.

i'm trying to forget that places like new york exist. and that somewhere there is beautiful music playing that i don't get to hear. and that i could be spending my days somewhere else. spread out in the sunshine.  doing yoga where the ocean meets the sand.  driving fast down a highway.  somewhere else.

i'm trying to forget that i am a dancer who doesn't dance.