Relocation

I am relocating my blog to Wordpress. I prefer it. From now on, I will be posting blogs at my new location:

http://msamandajensen.wordpress.com/

See you there!

The Future I Cannot Forget

I've been having some very selfish thoughts lately. But I just see them so clearly; I can't help myself!
It's this visualization stuff. It just gets more and more vivid and clear.

I am very grateful to have grasped a pretty deep understanding of this life journey we make. I sit here today, 26 and feeling quite mature, remembering how mature I felt when I was 24. And then I think about how I could not have been more different two years ago. Every day I am learning, adjusting, responding, reflecting, commenting, improving. Which leads me to conclude that in two more years, I might be an entirely different person. How exciting!

So now I see the present as this fleeting thing. It just keeps rolling away from under me. One moment its 8am and I am drinking coffee and starting a new day, and then its 4pm and I am home and eager to relax and unwind. And before I know it, the sun has set and it's 9:30, time to start thinking about bed. It's just passing by so fast. I don't think I can live in the present moment anymore. It's quite exhausting! Instead, I have been thinking a lot about the future. Specifically, I have been thinking about the different twists and turns I may take along the way, each step getting stronger and better adjusted and more compassionate.

Step One is to give as much as I can at my current job. I definitely see the need to develop a strong curriculum and to inspire students to find an outlet through the performing arts; somewhere they can express their individuality and connect with others. I hope that sharing my knowledge and skills at work teaches me lessons as well. Lessons that lead me to my next step in life.

Eventually I will feel that there isn't much left for me at Ellis. Perhaps the days will grow monotonous, or it no longer feels like a challenge to achieve my goals. It is then that I will seek new opportunities, packing up the lessons and experiences and moving on.

And here is where the visualizations kick in. They are so vivid - down to the very last detail. When I think about the details and setting of this next chapter, I feel tingly with anticipation. Last night, in the quiet moments before I fell asleep, my mind was alive with pictures. It was almost as though I was Scrooge, being offered a glimpse of the future. It was so realistic, and the more I wanted it to be real, the more details I imagined

It was perfect. It was me and Kyle. We lived in Chicago with our kitties in an apartment with steps that led up to it. I seemed very peaceful and happy; there did not seem to be a presence of stress or anxiety at all. Kyle was working pretty steadily as an actor in the city; I was working as a choreographer for a college or small theater company. This is a job that is stable and profitable enough to make ends meet comfortably, but nothing more extravagant than that. It allows me to be creative and expressive, working with serious theater/dance students. I would teach classes during the day and choreograph the shows at night.

That is the synopsis of the whole story, with lots of details, friends, and locations filling in the empty spaces.

In the few short months it took me to become extremely inspired to become more generous, frugal, creative, positive, and open-minded, my life has progressed at lightening speed. I have changed into a person who is almost unrecognizable, and my life experiences are completely different, even day by day. At the rate I'm going, I don't think I could imagine who I could be after 4-6 years of generosity, money saving, creativity, positivity, and open-mindedness. Those are such powerful words and could change a nation, or a world, even. Who knows what could happen to one small person.

But I am so excited. Just...so excited. Life feels like it has just begun in a way.

Holiday Musings.

It's been quite awhile since I've blogged. Things are going quite great.

Work is swell. We had an Arts Festival that was a huge success! It was a rewarding experience for everyone involved and brought a strong sense of camaraderie to our school. Now only 10 days left of school until Winter Break! I can't believe this school year has whizzed by so fast. The languid, idyllic days of August seem like only moments ago sometimes. After Winter Break my musical theater class will be putting on a concert in March and then we are doing Seussical Jr. after that! (Whew!)

Kyle and I are anticipating his graduation next weekend and hoping to celebrate with a getaway weekend of sorts. We saw a terrific band at Kryptonite the other night - Strange Arrangement - some of the best live music I have ever seen in my life! They are playing next weekend in Chicago so we are trying to make that work.

Kyle and I are feeling mellow about the holidays. All we seem to see during the holidays is the stress, and we're just not going to be participating in that this year. We see no point in going to the mall or any other shopping destination. We are taking it upon ourselves (as a creative endeavor) to use only our resources and a necessary portion of our already humble cash flow. When we started to talk about it a few nights ago, we got excited. Forcing ourselves to think outside the box produced thoughtful and appropriate gift ideas that will be stimulating and enjoyable to put together. It should be a fun and rewarding holiday this year!

Man I've got choreography on the brain. I want to watch it, talk about it, make it up, listen to music, everything. I think about when I was little and would entertain myself by playing dress up, putting on music, and dancing. I would imagine the performance: lights, formations, costumes. And now I am working so closely with our new dance teacher, Cyndi, who is an inspiration to work with on a daily basis, as well as all of these new choreography opportunities getting started in Durand. Right now, all I want is time to connect with music and really great headphones. Old music, music I've never head of, music I am just getting in to. But I've got 10 days of school to truck through first before I can let the creative juices flow. I'm starting to feel really antsy for Winter Break. I guess I should be thankful that I am feeling that now, instead of in October...

Signing off for now.

We'll have fun fun fun.

Funny how a change of scenery makes all the difference.

What a different world I live in from the world I became so accustomed to this summer. Now the sun sets at 5pm. Now I wrap up in fleece, flannel, and wool to keep myself warm. Now there are concerts, festivals, classes, meetings, rehearsals. Now my only free time is on the weekends.

Have I changed since this summer? Of course.
But I don't feel worse. Or negative.

I feel so accomplished. I love my job and I love teaching, which makes the days flash by in a snap.
I feel so heathy. I have been doing so much moving, dancing, teaching, stretching, eating only when needed, not so much caffeine. As a teacher, you NEED that. Otherwise you just face plant and the kids run circles around you.
I feel positive and mostly rested (amazing). Perhaps that is what comes from finding inner peace and clarity - true clarity: that feeing of knowing exactly what you want and when you want it.

Visualize what you want and hang on to that picture. Print it out or paint it if you have to. (The more I look at trees, the more trees I see, the more beautiful they look, etc). The more you visualize, the more it will surround you - seriously!

Communicate honestly and assertively.

Keep your heart filled with love. If it starts to get low, remind yourself of something you're grateful for.
It is the season of Thanksgiving, after all.

Happy Holidays!

live high, live mighty, live righteously. takin' it easy...

fall has me feeling extremely creative, inspired, and philosophical.

next time you feel your temper rise, stop everything and ask yourself to find the positive. rephrase your negativity into what you're really feeling. maybe you feel disappointed, frustrated, fed-up, stressed out. whatever it is, it never gives you the right to spread it around to other people. never suppress emotions or apologize for being upset; it's human nature. but instead of blowing up and pushing everyone around you away, reach out for their help.

"i'm sorry, i'm just so upset about this. it really disappointed me." or "i'm sorry, i just have so much going on at work. it's hard for me to put a lot of thought into other things right now." or "i'm sorry, i just need to calm down for a minute. all of this stuff is really overwhelming me."

and then talk it out.

it will change everything, i promise.

sick kitty with a happy ending.

sick little gus. my sweet baby.

rushed to the vet friday because he kept trying (in agonizing pain) to wee all over the house. the vet said he has FLUTD - Feline Lower Urinary Tract Disorder.

incurable. :( BUT treatable & preventable.

fortunately, he had prompt medical attention and was given a new diet and heavy painkillers to make him loopy. i spent the weekend nursing my little guy and watching him suffer. it was terrible.

his suffering motivated me to devote this weekend to converting our dirty basement storage room into a living room. got lucky at garage sales & salvation army/goodwill, went crazy with my wetjet, threw out a lot of garbage, and moved 2 couches (one has a bed!), 2 comfy chairs, a huge area rug, a coffee table, and various other lighting/decor effects and now i am writing to you from my cozy new living space.

and i have a very happy little kitty (who is feeling MUCH better) snoozing on his blankie. he had a tiring day of playing and exploring in the new basement. his new diet seems to have done wonders for his little system & i am so happy to have my little orange kitty back to normal. both of my kitties are smothering me with love & gratitude. i knew living with 4 cats was going to be rough. i'm glad i got this basement opened up to give them all a little more room to spread out and claim.

my kitties deserve it. after all, they are my little rays of sunshine every day. and just in case i had forgotten, this weekend reminded me of how precious they are to me.

happy monday night. :)

lights will guide you home & ignite your bones

it takes an explosion to break something apart
to shatter into pieces all over the floor
in a really messy disarray

it takes some putting back together again
picking up the pieces and counting 1-2-3
sorting into piles and working into place
there were a lot of pieces

it takes the healing power of time
erasing thoughts, purging chemicals
easing up & starting fresh
and just go one day at a time.

the explosion was thursday. now, we fix.

things i might have done, complete with photos.

one memorial day to one labor day. the summer of 2009.
no longer the gently-passing moments of the present, but now a completed story: an entity.
it now has a name. it has music and smells and tastes that are associated with it. it is now the past.

it started with absorbing and photographing sunlight everywhere i went. sprinkled through the budding tree branches, washing over saturated blue skies, and sparkling over the surface of the rock river.

the sun peeking through the trees in late may

and the days became languid. heavy with warm air and endless sunlight, enchanted with fireflies and fluffy clouds. my nights became later as my body fell happily into its natural biologic rhythm. any notion of a schedule was far from my mind.

it became obvious that i would accompany kyle to the suburbs almost every day, where he was earning a living as an actor in the marriott's 25th annual putnam county spelling bee. my daily trips to the suburb became my times of inspiration and enlightenment. those beautiful clouds never quit, and the northwestern suburbs are packed with forest preserves to read books under trees in. i shared a silent and magical moment in a prairie with a deer and spent many lazy afternoons in the sunlight at the marriott pool. beautiful, beautiful memories.


a deer in the suburbs


a brilliant blue pool all to myself, day after day

then came the 4th of july. my beloved aaron was in town for the festivities, and my brother, susan, danielle, and more joined the celebration. the hazy rain put a damper on our cookout plans, but we still made quite a feast for our guests and walked from our apartment downtown to the jefferson street bridge, where we had the most beautiful view.


shopping for our independence day feast



our romantic spot



stunning view

when kyle finished spelling bee, the trips began. he and i were free to roam wherever we pleased day after day. we saw 6 cardinals game (st. louis twice, milwaukee three times, and philadelphia once). we drove to zion, IL to take in the beauty of lake michigan and the amazing clouds. we road tripped to pennsylvania for a jason mraz/dave matthews concert. we saw some of the most beautiful stretches of highway in the midwest. we listened to hours and hours of endless music. we walked on sand, skipped stones, tailgated in the mud, watched sunsets, chased storms, witnessed floods. all amazing and unforgettable experiences.


clouds from the highway


a stormy sky over the illinois river bridge near lasalle, IL


my favorite buddy to root for the cardinals with


beautiful sunset over busch stadium in st. louis, MO


under the arch in st. louis


pennsylvania mountains from our campground


dave matthews concert in hershey, PA


clouds hanging over the pennsylvania mountains


clouds to take your breath away over lake michigan in zion, IL


with my soulmate at the edge of illinois

eventually, the wanderlust faded. the money was all spent. and mine and kyle's jet-setting days were traded in for long, lazy days spent doing absolutely nothing but staying in bed for movie marathons, making delicious meals, taking walks, playing with the kitties, and enjoying having our apartment to ourselves. these days dragged by, but they were also the catalyst for some of the amazing and intimate bonding experiences kyle and i shared. i don't think we've ever connected as closely as we did this summer.


our resting spot while hiking @ rock cut state park


enjoying the fact that his mom has a pool


our official drink of summer: arizona sweet tea chased by arizona mango madness - YUM.


breakfast on the porch: grilled panini with apricot halves

the end of summer brought a few scattered activities and some family time. it ended with a bang at the jason mraz concert at the charter one pavilion in chicago, IL. it was video taped for a live album release this fall (!), and we waited in line ALL DAY LONG, earning us front-row-center spots. probably the most amazing day of my life.


dear friends new and old


oh, hi jason mraz


peace. love. music. summer...

which brings us to labor day 2009. and back to school. and autumn.
these are not all bad things.

labor day was lovely. a trip to milwaukee (just like how summer started on memorial day) to watch the cardinals beat the brewers, then to chicago to be entertained by my brother's band, the paradigm, who played at the red line tap.

back to school is perfectly all right. i need the productivity to remind me how beautiful summer will be when it rolls beguilingly back around. i'm having an amazing year so far. i'm really connecting with my students and having success after success with my lessons and activities. i am determined to build the drama program at ellis into something substantial! sure, my schedule is rough. never enough sleep, never enough time, a to-do list that adds items faster than i can check them off, and that's only school related. there's also durand, boyfriend, cleaning house, taking care of kitties, showering, running errands. yeah. it's hectic. but as i said, if summer lasted forever, it would stop being so sweet.

and autumn is always beautiful. i look forward to the colors of paradise. i look forward to watching the leaves fall to the ground revealing twisted and mystic trees silhouetted against the sky. i look forward to eating chili and stew and apple cider. i look forward to having a warm, cozy home, welcoming the holidays with a positive attitude and a heart full of love and gratitude.

life has become steady. finally.

so this posting is my ode to summer. my sorrowful farewell to the most incredible and happy nights of my life.
a promise to never ever forget.

"summer breeze, well it makes me feel fine, blowin' through the jasmine in my mind..."

"wake up sleepy head, i think the sun’s a little brighter today.
smile, and watch the icicles melt away and see the waters rising
summer’s here to stay, and that sweet summer breeze will blow forever.
go down to the shore, kick off your shoes, dive in the empty ocean."

"good day sunlight, i'd like to say how truly bright you are
you don't know me but i know you. you're my favorite star.
follow you i will so lets get moving"

8.5 months. but who's counting.

curbing emotion

so, summer has ended. is ending. will end. monday i go back to school. the end of summer will bring a sad & beautiful blog, but i'm still in denial (school doesn't OFFICIALLY start until monday, so i have 3 days...), so instead, i am going to blog about something on a lighter note.

MASCARA!!

if you didn't know or assume this about me, i am a mascara-guru who is quite picky about her eyelashes. i've had a few trusty brands, such as:







max factor 2000 calorie mascara (used this endlessly in college)







l'oreal volume shocking mascara (too high maitenance, but amazing results!)












maybelline colossal volum' mascara (the old trusty in my adult years)











but now, i have found a new lash-mate.

i recently picked up this one:







l'oreal extra volume collagen mascara

and it's my new favorite! this oversized wand makes me feel like i am a little girl using my mom's mascara, and when the brush glides over your lashes, it feels so big and fat that my eyelashes haven't a chance of staying thin and blonde.

exceptional!!

gush

jason mraz's "the remedy", reggae-style live @ hersheypark stadium in PA. i love it. actually more like obsessed.
and i was there!!

road trip aftermath

so our big summer road trip was shortened to 4 days instead of two weeks, and thank god for that.  i had no idea how rough that highway road could be.  i'm glad we went; we learned a lot about ourselves and our coping abilities and we also had a few breathtaking moments amidst it all.  but here are some things we encountered along the road trip from IL to PA.

1. TOLLS

it cost $146 to drive from IL to PA and back.  it cost $90 in tolls.  N-I-N-E-T-Y dollars.  i mean, that cannot be legal.  pennsylvania was by far the most expensive.  for a highway crammed with trucks and major highway construction across the whole state (55mph was about as fast as i drove in PA), it should have been free.  instead, the state of PA charged me around $45 to use it's turnpike.  ROBBERY.  i'll never go back.

2. PHILADELPHIA

the worst city in the united states.  in the two hours we spent there, we dealt with heavy traffic congestion, 100 degree weather, obnoxious tailgating fans, and extremely poor sportsmanship inside the phillies stadium.  i have been to several baseball stadiums, and NEVER have i seen so many reminders flash across the megatron instructing the fans to maintain orderly conduct.  sheesh.  isn't that the general code of being an adult?  the fans were pointing lasers at the cardinals players in the middle of the game, causing game delays in extremely excruciating and uncomfortable heat.  i mean come on.  the experience was so terrible that we left the game early in order to just get out of philly and go home.  turns out, a man was BEATEN TO DEATH at the game we were at. 

3. FLOODS & HOTELS

so it's dark.  and we've been driving since 7:30am from rockford, IL.  and we can't get to our (paid for) campsite because the roads are flooded.  all of them, apparently.  because every way we tried to get to the campground was blocked due to flooding.  strange places, rushing water, police lights, confused gps, upside down maps.  all of this was far too much for us to handle, so we had to throw down an unplanned $90 for a hotel.  for a little peace of mind and a soft, dry surface to sit on, though, it was pretty much worth it.  what is with hotels charging full rates for traveler's who check in at 11:30pm?  i mean, are we really going to take $90 worth of showers.  dirty $90 worth of sheets?  eat $90 worth of continental breakfasts (not if that means waking up before 9am).  i could see paying $90 to enjoy the comfort of a hotel all day long: a place to store your stuff, swim, work out, relax, etc.  but just to walk in, set bags down, pee, and sleep??  ridiculous.  that hotel should have cost us $49. 

we actually wound up wasting a night of camping (2 night minimum stay = no refund).  on the way home, we actually checked into another hotel room, but this one was pretty much planned.  we tried to find the crappiest (while still safe) looking one, and so we landed at a ramada in breezewood, PA.  everything about the place screamed $54.99, so i walked in to check it out.  sure enough, $54 was what i was quoted, and a $54 room was what we got.  hard to find, smelly, shady, run-down, no pool, stains on the carpet, etc.  i get home to check my bank account, and apparently that ramada charged me $84.  

i guess that's what happens when you have an employee who doesn't speak excellent english at the front desk.  $84 sounded like $54.  i just paid $84 to spend 12 hours at one of the crappiest facilities in the united states.  seriously.  what a waste!

moving on:

4. JASON MRAZ + DMB IN CONCERT

absolutely amazing.  it left me breathless.  watching the sun set over a crazy crowd of music-infused fans was magical.  it was a peaceful celebration of music and beauty.  so wonderful, that now we have tickets to see mraz in concert on august 13 in chicago.  i am so excited - it's the ONLY thing on my mind.

so that's pretty much all that needs to be said.  there were jokes and conversations, of course, along the endless stretch of highway.  beautiful rolling mountains topped with foggy wisps.  tailgating after a torrential downpour before the concert, laughing and dancing and covered with mud.  meeting friendly people from out east who spoke like they were from jersey and laughed at our silly midwestern accents.

driving is exhausting.  and boring.  camping requires too much packing.  sleeping bags, food, supplies.  the car was a constant stressor; packing, unpacking, repacking.  the weather was mostly miserable.  wet and soggy and flooded taking turns with relentless humid summer sun, the kind of heat and humidity that NO human would be comfortable in.  

but it was an experience.  a story to tell.  a memory of sweet summer.

the music made it worthwhile.

next time, we'll drive somewhere else.

and see what happens.

pictures up soon on my facebook...

vent

1. people drinking beer out of my glasses on my back porch.

2. uninvited guests spending another night on my couch with their bare feet on my expensive throw pillows, sleeping under my blanket.

3. people talking to my kitties.

4. 5 people sharing a bathroom.

5. a bird tweeting - nay, shrieking - nonstop.

6. pms.

7. coke cans not on coasters (i don't drink coke).

8. constant crumbs on my kitchen counter.  i've cleaned them up three times now, and still haven't eaten in my kitchen in two days.

9. belongings.  all. over. my. apartment.  my apartment that i keep meticulously clean during the summer.

10.  the tv blaring nonstop.

11.  people playing my board games.

12. other people's hair all over my shower.

13. 5 people using the 1 tube of toothpaste in our apartment (and i bought that toothpaste).

14. piano banging.  and banging.

15. bodies splayed across my living room couches.  

all this, and i leave for vacation tomorrow.

i've done nothing but sob and freak out all day.

i couldn't be less excited to go on vacation.  not while i am too mad to concentrate on what i need to pack.  not while there are a thousand annoying voices in my mind, canceling out the voice in my own head.

this has RUINED my summer.  my delirious summer that felt like a dreamworld everyday.

IT'S TIME FOR THE ROOMMATE TO MOVE OUT.

time traveler's wife

it's sunrise.

there's this gentle blue-lavender light that has softly begun to fill my bedroom.  it started as just a dim glow, only just outlining shadows and contours around me, and now it has relaxed into a magical presence.

it's really not so magical.  it's weird.  being up at this time is not much different than being up at any other time.  doors make the same sound when they click shut, air conditioners whirr, items remain where you left them.  i guess i used to think that the night was more forbidden and captivating.

i am sitting up in my bed, unable to sleep yesterday away.  my eyes feel dry and they burn when i close them, but my body is in the mood for a walk.

i could write a story, or make some tea.  but i just want to sit here.  i want to sit here, breathing in and out, forcing time to slow down.

i am thinking about how much i love this person that shares this bed with me every night.  even now, completely asleep, i want to bury my nose into his smell and burrow my body next to his and keep trapping these fleeting (but incredible), dear moments forever.

i just finished an amazing, amazing novel. and i won't ever forget it.  and in this serene, dawn-lit moment of my life, i have never ever been happier.

strawberry fields forever.

these days, my mind is like a polaroid picture, cotton dresses on the clothesline, fireflies at night.

my days are slow and lazy, filled with delicious food, beautiful scenery, and the boy i love.

we drive, we sleep, we read, we relax, we laugh.

both of us are at places in our life that make us very happy and comfortable, so it's wonderful to be able to see and feel the impact it has on our relationship.  we are always smiling, always hugging, always saying meaningful things to one another, taking the time to really listen to each other and to choose our words carefully.

i have been living in cotton sundresses, thin and cool in the summertime.  in sun-faded patterns of blue, white, and yellow.

my legs are tan. 

i drink about a gallon of iced tea a day.

i read books poolside under the sun.

i have time to stretch every day.

beatles, dave matthews, jason mraz, the doors, skynyrd, marley, stones, sublime...these make up the soundtrack of my days now.

i take 2 minutes to get ready.  or an hour, if i so choose.

i cheer on the st. louis cardinals.

i visit the goodwill once a week.

i. love. summer.

paradise.

...and then i found this to match it, and i'm absolutely drooling.

::sigh:: can i really spend $118 on this?

inspirations and purchases.

my first purchase on ETSY!!! (borders and logo not a part of the print)

bought because of the epiphanic idea i suddenly imagined for my first novel.
and yes, it's about mermaids.

that's all the information i can provide at this time. ;)

yard sale this week!

please come!

http://rockford.craigslist.org/gms/1209812031.html

updated summer project list.

1. have a yard sale.  i am cleaning out my closets, selling almost all of my clothes, shoes, accessories, and other miscellaneous items in an attempt to start fresh.  the yard sale is this coming thursday and friday, 10-5 each day.  come on out!

2. write a novel.  after telling a story (based on true events in my life) to some friends the other night, they both stared at me, mouths open, as the long and compelling story finally came to a close.  "whoa." said one of them.  "you, like, need to write that into a novel."  and it was like an epiphany.  of course i should write that story into a novel.  it's an autobiography, and expose, a suspenseful story.  a story that i feel the need to share with people over and over and over.  a story that i can visualize (a story that i can't stop visualizing).  in my youth, i ALWAYS wrote.  always.  i ran home from school to the computer, typing as fast as my fingers would allow me to as tried to write as fast as i thought (i never did).  the adults around me thought all of that writing would lead me to a writing career, but for some reason, the writing came to an abrupt stop when high school and college took over and after all the papers and assignments, writing grew to be a chore.  isn't that sad?  education ripped my passion for writing away from me.  now that it's been a few years since i've been in school, i've felt those old familiar feelings tingle back into my fingertips, so i've decided its time.  seriously.  this summer i will write my novel.

3. book clubs.  the second my schedule gets crazy, books (sadly) are the first thing to go.  when the lazy summer finally rolls around again, i finally have the time to get back into reading.  kyle too.  and this summer, we're taking it seriously.  i've already knocked out two books (water for elephants by sara gruen and kissing in manhattan by david schickler, both excellent books).  the most fun part has been reading and discussing, so kyle and i made our own book club of sorts.  that combined with the other book club that i will pop in and out of, means lots of reading all summer.  awesome.  and to compliment this project, i am buying a beautiful new book case from craigslist.  a tall skinny one to match a tall skinny wall to fill with old and new books.  i intend it to be a book case for sharing, for keeping, for displaying, and for talking about.  

4. re-decorating.  AP moves out in july, leaving a few empty spaces where furniture used to be, and also leaving me with the opportunity to take a fresh look at the apartment i've spent the last year cluttering up.  it really is a pretty place to live in, and i really should be better about making it look nice.  first things first, i am only going to decorate/design our living space with important and meaningful things.  art print from my dear friend danielle.  photographs i've taken while out exploring.  broadway posters from shows we've seen.  no more gathering and nesting.  this project goes along with #1.  it's time to purge and rethink.

5. planning for my second year of teaching.  i loved - LOVED - my job this year.  and i'm so excited to return in the fall.  i can't wait to NOT be the new teacher.  to start fresh.  to reinvent some ideas and to come up with new ones altogether.  but if i'm going to be successful, i need to do A LOT of planning beforehand, instead of winging everything on the spot like i did last year.  last year was basically about survival.  next year it can be so much more, so the time to start planning is NOW.  little by little, bit by bit, i will plan and gather supplies this summer so that i am ready to come back with a bang next year.

right now it feels like too much planning and not enough doing.  which is why today will be spent writing loose curriculum outlines, starting a new book (i love you, beth cooper by larry doyle).

check out the ad for my yard sale here: http://rockford.craigslist.org/gms/1209812031.html

oh, and go see the hangover.  it's a fricking hilarious movie.

long awaited.

::sigh::

how awful i've been.

it's just that my time has been so luxuriously spent, soaking up sunshine, driving lazily down the highway, losing myself in the paradise of my lover...

i've been spending my evenings and weekends driving kyle into the suburbs, where he is in a show all summer.  our day trips go something like this: we grab a bite to eat, hit the interstate and listen to music together (sometimes talking, sometimes not), then i drop kyle off at his show, spend two delicious hours at barnes & noble or at one of the many forest preserves or parks in the area, and then i go pick him up. 

our spend-the-night trips are a little more fun.  i drive kyle in, drop him off, explore the suburbs, pick kyle up, we go drink wine at biaggi's, then hang out with adam until we fall asleep at his house.

it feels like vacation.

it's been wonderful.

and tomorrow is my last day of school.  so tomorrow, at 3:30pm, it is officially summer.

i've got a big smile on my face.

welcome to the night.

ugggh i hate these blogs.  the obligatory blog that has to cover SO MUCH important material, being that the reason you haven't blogged in forever in the first place is because of all the crazy and meaningful things that have been taking up your time.

alas, i will try to be brief (especially as it is 81 degrees out right now).

1. SWEET SMELL OF SUCCESS

take-my-breath-away, heart-stoppingly amazing.

a year's worth of thought.  of casual mentions or deep dissections.  always something that was coming up in the future.  something to anticipate, something to work for.

and then it was postponed, perhaps even cancelled.  what if it had been cancelled?  never ever seen or discovered?  it makes me shudder to think of it.

so i finally got to meet jj hunsecker.  sidney falcone.  susan.

ok, if you don't know what i'm talking about, i am referring to rockford college's sweet smell of success, which was kyle's senior seminar show.  it has been a year since kyle found out he would be playing this role.  a year's worth of thought, research, complaining, working.

and thursday night, i sat in the audience.

and i have decided that i am an incredibly lucky girl.

i'm lucky because i watch musicals all the time.  and musicals are magical.  i don't care who you are; you cannot - CANNOT - say that musicals don't move you.  pick any part of the magic:  swelling music, haunting melodies, beautiful story lines, the dancing, the movement.  i don't see how you can sit through a musical and not be moved.  and frankly, i pity the person who can't be moved.  what a sad life it must be to sit through a musical and feel nothing.

i'm lucky because kyle d. adams is my boyfriend.  and it's the coolest thing to date an actor.  just when you think you know someone, they show you this new layer, this new character inside of them.  and its like you get to rediscover their personality.  and i'm lucky to have kyle because he introduces me to all of these new and beautiful stories and all of this new and beautiful music.  my life would be so stripped of its beauty and culture if not for him.  not to mention i would be a sorrowful girl without him.

as i watched this gripping, dark, and compelling story, i completely fell in love with the characters, the era, the music, and the costumes.  like, to a notably obsessive level.  sweet smell of success was all i thought about for a solid week after the performance.  job well done EVERYONE.  i was moved, transformed, amazed, spellbound.

which brings me to....

2. ANOTHER SUMMER PROJECT

i'm about to shock you.

ok, so picture me, amanda.  i know all the little things come to mind, but no matter how you know me, i'd like to think that you all would definitely think of my passion for all things vintage.  it has always been an obsession of mine.  i love all things 20's, all things glamorous, all things 40's, 50's, everything.  photography, fashion (especially), culture, language, artifacts, music: EVERYTHING VINTAGE.

so guess what.  i've barely seen ANY old movies.  i mean, besides wizard of oz, i don't think there is any other movie that i've seen that was made before 1970.  honestly.  gone with the wind?  nope.  casablanca?  nope.  streetcar named desire?  nope.  NONE of them.

shameful, i know.

so my new and exciting summer project is to brush up on all the old movie classics.  i want to know the stars, see the clothes, hear the music, experience exactly what used to entertain the masses.  i find it all so fascinating, beautiful, romantic, classy, and glamorous.  

kyle and i already started with fred & ginger's last movie together, the barkley's of broadway.  it was wonderful.  incredible.  i wept like three times during it just because of it's sheer vintage-ness..  i

this project is LONG overdue.  i can't wait to fill my nights with a million yesteryears.

3. WILLY WONKA

it's over!!  and it was great.  well, depending on who you ask.  if you ask me, i wanted to kill myself though every show.  missed entrances, dropped lines, slow set changes, sound problems.  but the audience and community LOVED it.  and i really realized that it was about the EXPERIENCE, not the process.  at the end of the day, i had kids singing their hearts out onstage.  i had built a camaraderie between my cast members.  i had gotten my students to show up.  to memorize lines.

my boss was ecstatic, and that was a GREAT feeling.  this experience has left me feeling proud, and i'm going to embrace that for a little while.  this is the first time i have felt proud of myself in my career and its a damn good feeling.  i am so happy with this year at ellis arts academy and I CAN'T WAIT for next year.  

wow.  that wasn't too bad.  i'd like to close with some sort of conclusive paragraph that links these three topics together into something witty and meaningful, but as i already stated, it's 81 degrees outside.  and i have a hot boyfriend in a straw fedora sitting next to me.  and a cold beer to drink.  so i'm out.

summer to-do.

1. CLOSET CLEAN-OUT SALE

i am taking the first week of summer to purge - i mean PURGE - my closet.  i have SO many clothes.  really.  it's out of control.  

i hardly ever buy things at full price, which i have found to be detrimental to my wallet and closet space.  i would rather buy 3 so-so shirts at 6.97 each than 1 awesome shirt that i LOVE at 24.00.  what i take home, then, are 3 so-so shirts that rarely get worn and take up three times the space of the 24.00 shirt that i would wear all the time.  i would rather buy jeans that "work" for 13.00 rather than jeans i LOVE for 40.00.  another pair of jeans thrown on the pile, hardly getting worn.  i would rather buy a hundred sundresses than ten really pretty ones.  it seems, apparently, that i would rather hoard shit than collect treasure.  how do i stop?!

i am hoping that i can find the answer with a closet clean-out sale.  if it hasn't been worn this year, it's gone.  if it's imperfect (kinda baggy, too short, etc.), it's gone.  anything that makes me look at it and not love it is reason enough to sell it.  i want my closet space back.  i want to open the closet and see luxurious clothes that i love and can't wait to mix and match and wear.  right now i feel like every day is a battle to search for the perfect combination.

the profits will NOT go to a new wardrobe.  well, maybe.  i am trying to be a better shopper.  before i buy an article of clothing, i ask myself this question:

"amanda, would you rather have 12.99 or this button-down?"

"would you rather keep the 5.99 or own the flip-flops?"

sometimes (ok most of the time), the "question system" backfires.  cause as i am standing in the store, no doubt in front of the clearance rack, it's hard to argue keeping 5.99 when you could have another target shirt.  a target shirt that will inevitably lose it's shape and sink to the bottom of the drawer.  

i think it's something about the newness of clothes that i love.  just knowing that it's BRAND NEW makes me want it.  never washed, never paired unfortunately with a skirt that will make you sort of hate it forever, never thrown on the floor, never seen by anyone i know.  newness is a horrible thing to be addicted to because it disappears almost instantly.  in fact, i'm not even to the parking lot yet and the article has lost it's appeal because i don't WANT it anymore.  

how do you fix this addiction!?

i'm hoping the yard sale will help me refresh my outlook and become a wiser shopper.  quantity is no longer quality.

so HEY!  if you'd like to come check out my sale, it will be at my parents house the second week of june (probably).  i want that to be the first item i check off my list of summer to-dos.  there will be lots of shoes, purses, dresses, clothes, home decor, maybe even some seasonal stuff.  reasonably priced and probably almost brand-new.

::sigh:: i'm feeling relieved already.

2. A MORNING ROOM

with AP moving out, i will be losing a table in this sort-of "undefined" room in my house.  with that table gone, i will be gaining a blank canvas.  after tossing around some ideas, i think i have finally settled on the idea of a morning room.  i came across the notion while idly scanning through an internet search of "vintage rooms".  i saw a photo titled "1920's morning room", which then led me to google "morning room."  what a quaint idea!  granted, morning rooms are for grand mansions or affluent folk, but who's to say i can't design one in my cute little apartment?!  so i imagine that my morning room will include  a comfortable place to sit and eat breakfast together on the weekend, or a place to relax a read a book or pay bills.  i'm thinking a chaise with an end table and a cafe table.

3. A NEW T.V.

a trip to dan and becca's apartment taught me that it's been awhile since i t.v. shopped. apparently, i can get a flat screen HDTV for the price i paid for my non-HDTV three years ago. i think it's time to upgrade and move the other one to the basement.

4. DANCE CLASS & YOGA

with no tap dancing or musical theater to keep me in shape this summer, i MUST take action.  i already enjoy yoga, but i don't really do it to it's fullest very often.  maybe a camel pose or a downward dog here and there, but never a full amount of practice, which doesn't even really count.  so this summer there will be more yoga, because i really want to see and feel the effects, physically and mentally.

the other thing is dance class.  i've had the beautiful opportunity to watch some dance performances lately.  strong, powerful bodies twisting and stretching to express the story of a song.  bending and jumping, showing off nimble movement and astounding flexibility.  i remember EXACTLY how it feels.  

walking onstage and taking my pose, waiting nervously for the music to start, but feeling physically prepared.  as i hear the familiar melody take shape, i transcend.  i am existing to express a story, a musical line, a body part, a movement.  dancing is so beautiful.  it makes you strong and sculpts your muscles into stone.  it makes your eyes fill with tears as you feel the rhythm, music, and passion coincide into one verb.

i miss it so much.  i am thankful every. single. day. that i am a dancer. 

so this summer i am thinking about going back to my dance academy and taking a class or two.  the only thing is, i'm terrified.  terrified i will be horribly out of shape.  terrified of putting myself out there, of not knowing anyone.

anyone want to take a dance class with me?  i need moral support!

there are lots of other things, big and small on my summer agenda.  beer cap mosaic, road trip planning, walks in the park, finding a part-time job.

but for now, this is enough.  i don't want to overwhelm my summer with projects!  

first and foremost, summer will be about relaxing and purifying my physical and mental health.  but along with that, inevitably, will come fun in the warm summer air and productivity after a few days of boredom.

"so tedious is this day, as is the night before some festival to an impatient child that hath new robes and may not wear them." - shakespeare

in other words - how much longer until summer?!

birthday blog.

i'm 26 today! and that's okay. 25 was much worse. although i definitely didn't get any younger this year, i am starting to embrace the fact that i will never be a teenager again. i am a lady now.

being a "getting-close-to-thirty" year old is absolutely okay.

today i drove to work in my new '89 subaru hatchback and stopped at hilander to buy snacks and lunch. no classes until 10:45 (niiice!). when i got to school, i was greeted by so many coworkers and students, with little birthday treats and offerings and well-wishes; it was so charming. and then i taught my first class how to play apples and apples and shared my bag of blow-pops. the next class watched my all-time favorite movie with me (that thing you do), and now it's my planning time and i'm blogging. once willy wonka rehearsal is over after school, i will have some time to (DRIVE!) home and relax. dinner with mom at the olympic tavern and maybe a little shopping. then drinks and celebration with some of my best friends.

it's a terrific day!

i just wish kyle could be around more. i won't see him until 11 or so...:(

short and sweet today, i have to go enjoy the rest of this lovely day!

new show!!

jolly holidays and free stuff.

a jolly holiday in the city.

sadly, it’s been almost a week since last wednesday when i spontaneously used my last personal day for a little personal fun. my mom was taking her students on a field trip and asked kyle and me to join her. kyle wasn’t able to go, which disappointed me at first, but then i made up my mind to venture into chicago alone, and what a lovely day for an afternoon in the city it turned out to be.

how refreshing to turn left onto e. state street instead of right on a wednesday morning! how carefree it feels to zip along i90, listening to exactly your choice of music!

zooming confidently into the city alone, i was proud to maneuver myself through the crazy hubbub to the exact spot where i had to meet mom. after a lovely little lunch, i discovered that the forever21 store on michigan avenue was about a block away, so i got to spend a lazy hour shopping! a few terrific dresses and a pair of pants later, i was on my way to see mary poppins starring ashley brown and gavin lee, the mary poppins and bert that i got to see on broadway!

having not liked it the first time through, i was leery as to whether or not i would enjoy myself at all the second time through. but it was even better! ashley brown is amazingly talented and poised, and gavin lee delivers relentless sophistication and merriment.

after the show, i hovered around in hopes of snagging an autograph or two. i got both ashley’s and gavin’s, which excited me. then back to the car with a pitsop at woodfield on the way home for another little shopping spree.

it was a fabulous day. i’m not sure why, but i learned a lot about myself and enjoyed being independent for a change. it put me in a bright and optimistic mood, complete with a twinge of depression upon coming back home to the daily grind.

there have been other blog-worthy events since then. friday and saturday night were spent downtown at the spring art scene, and that entailed drinks, art & photography, familiar faces, and a screen print t-shirt featuring artwork by javier jiminez.

on saturday afternoon, kyle’s frugal eyes spotted a full-size reclining leather couch on the curb of some mansion’s house. A COUCH?! A TAN LEATHER COUCH FOR FREE?! long story short, we got the landlord on our side (he has a truck), and snatched that nice little find right up. it took about an hour to reconfigure our living room, but once it was all settled, we celebrated! we have seating!

the story continues with Monday afternoon, when i picked up kyle from school. he had adam and andy with him, and i brought them all home to hang out. when we had parked on the street outside our house, kyle spotted another couch down the street a bit on the curb. “wait,” he said. “there’s a couch down there for free.”

so, really, why wouldn’t we all walk down there? upon inspection, we deemed this new couch just as good (if not better) than the first one, and so those three boys picked it up and carried it off. HAHA. as we walked up the block back to our house, the owners drove by, honking and waving, instructing us to enjoy that couch. “we will!” we shouted.

this one took much less fuss to get in the house, and only a little more rearranging.

but now, with two new (FREE!) couches, we finally have a lounge. yes, folks, a lounge. not a living room. lounge.

so it’s almost perfect. tonight i need to buy a few essential things to maximize the design and style of the room. new area rug, a few throw pillows, get some artwork framed. modern with a vintage vibe.

because that’s just the way we roll.

it’s sad to see that glorious weekend slip by and join the others as memories. it was a weekend of bohemians and artists, treasure hunts, and overnights. complimentary wine and thrift stores. scrambled eggs for breakfast and armageddon weekend on the history channel.

fabulous, as always.

(2 hours until i can leave work and start my night).

a new obsession.

zooey deschanel.







while engaged in my couch potato adventures tonight, i've decided that i love her.  she's 29 and super young and fresh.  this is inspiring to me as i turn 26 and feel 32.  it's sad to watch the female icons get younger and younger.  like hannah montana's great and everything, but i can't dress or act like her.

it's hard for a 20-something to find a stylish and fresh role model. we want someone super fashionable and fun, but WOMANLY, not girly. i kinda like scarlett johansson. she's a year older than me and she's pretty down.

but i dunno, i saw that new "cotton: the fabric of our lives commercial" with zooey and fell in love. watch it!



yeah, she was annoying in the happening, but that whole movie was annoying. so i've decided to try her on and check her out for awhile. and wear more cotton, apparently.

and trim my bangs.

the taste of spring.

easter weekend has been lovely. i'm glad my night's not completely over.

just lots of quality time with kyle, unsolved mysteries marathons (oh yeah), and extra snuggling.  extra snuggling because our furnace broke, so its been like 58 degrees in the house.  it took about two days to figure out what was going on, and then a whole day of having the furnace repairman working downstairs.  he got it up to a toasty 74 right now (ahhhh), but only because it will be off again all day tomorrow while he replaces the entire furnace.  until he got the furnace working around 3pm, there was lots of snuggling with the kitties under blankets.  it feels so good to have the house warm, however, that i still haven't stopped snuggling.  me and gus have been couch potatoes all day/night.

so i went to the grocery store on saturday and bought a TON of food.  i've been inspired to cook more lately, and i love when that happens, because it's probably better for kyle and i and cheaper.  and so saturday night i made a huge delicious pan of lasagna!  i made cinnamon apples for dessert and today i made blueberry muffins.  see how much fun i have when i don't have to work!?

since i'm still feeling in the mood to cook, i'm about to make some campanelle alfredo with tiny shrimp and garlic.  the plan is to have a lot of scrumptious leftovers this week!

easter sunday was unconventionally fun and wonderful.  we drove in to adam's house in lake zurich, and then he drove us into the city, where a big group of us had tickets to see RENT.  now rent is exciting enough on it's own, but it was especially exciting because we got to see adam pascal and anthony rapp LIVE!!!  for theater buffs, this was a huge deal.  for those that are clueless, these were the two guys to originate the roles of roger and mark when rent opened on broadway and were also the two guys in the movie version.  it was really surreal and inspiring to hear their voices singing that music live.  i mean i grew up on their voices, and here they were on a stage in front of me, my ears hearing their voices belt and sing over the rocking music that i know so well.  it was a very cool experience.  after the show it was dinner at ed debevic's, which was fine and not too annoying.  it was quite a fun easter!

other than that, i just feel ready for school to be over.  i am so focused on the future - the summery future i should say.  my mind wants to concentrate on patio furniture, road trip plans, new warm-weather clothes, and summer ales.

oh, 51 days, hurry.  i feel like i'm trapped.  nothing but routine, routine, routine.  i know that the summery feeling will come a little early when the really warm weather hits in late may.  that's when i turn school nights into backyard barbecues or parties in the park.  but it still feels like ages until then.  i'm trying to find the motivation i need to get through mid-May, but there's not much.  just a lot of work clothes, willy wonka rehearsals, and feeling sleepy.

i am READY to be rejuvinated!

15 days until my birthday.  here are the links to my wishlists - there's something for everyone's budget ::wink wink::!

http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/wishlist/ref=sv_cm_gft_3

https://www.forever21.com/customerservice/showwishlist.asp?target=wishlist