life started going too fast. too much to do. definitely not enough time to do it all. i have three things to talk about. since i am starting this blog apologizing for how hectic life has been for me lately, let's start with number one.
1. MY HEALTH
the sound of my footsteps walking briskly down the long hallway of my school rattle noisily in my delicate brain. to the office to drop off a document, to the copy room to make 35 copies before my next class. my time is not my own; it belongs to the bell. 2 minutes to finish this. 47 minutes to finish that. all day, my ears are pained by the sound of shrill, shrieking middle school voices. the sound of their voices never stops. never.
and it's not just this job.
wake up. stumble downstairs for caffeine. hungry kitties. scrape the windows. dodge the east state bridge. fight through the exhaustion to make my lessons meaningful. 85 minutes of planning time, which i spend deciding how to spend that 85 minutes. wait for kyle. yearn to walk in the house and stay there. scramble for sweatpants. heart starts to pound. settle on cheez-its for dinner. temples pound. drive dizzily across town in rush hour traffic. piercing, splitting headache. car wrenches to the left, to the right. my stomach goes with it. the minutes don't belong to me. :37. :48. :56. never enough time. shallow breaths. potholes. writhing in pain. my head. my head. my head.
and so it went like this for about 3 months, and then more things happened.
thinking. thinking. working. planning. BOOM. brain melts. lava-lamp spots dance goo-ily in my eyes. the lights flicker. i teeter. my head bobs along a watery current...slowing to a calm, back and forth consciousness and then slamming into a tidal wave. black. white. fuzzy. blue.
3 hours go by and i am still imprisoned in this dizzying, double-visioned nightmare. my heart races. i tried to eat. still the same. deciding i must be exhausted, i go home and sleep.
when nothing changes the next day, i go to the doctor. he checks my blood. monitors my heart for 24 hours. makes me even more dizzy by making me lay down and sit up. i have a fever. i am shaky. i panic.
the good news is that i've been feeling much better over the last few days. the bad news is that nothing has been diagnosed yet, and i am fearful that i might be hit with it again. tomorrow is a day off. i plan to spend it in complete relaxation.
2. KYLE'S AMAZING TALENT THAT GOT HIM A JOB AND SUMMER 2009.
my boyfriend is exceptionally talented. everytime i see him onstage in something new, he impresses me all over again with something vivid and new. detailed and intimate. go see the diary of anne frank at rockford college. he is absolutely astounding.
all this talent got him a terrific job this summer that will keep him mostly in my arms during the hot and lazy days and will reward him fruitfully in the evenings. i think i am planning on doing nothing this summer. i just want to sprawl out and remain still in the sunshine.
when his job finishes up at the end of july, he and i will have a whole glorious month off together. so we have planned a long and inspiring road trip out west. i think about it every free second i have (which is not much). through illinois, missouri, oklahoma, texas, new mexico, arizona, utah, nevada, and california up to oregon, idaho, wyoming, colorado, nebraska, iowa. taking it slow. seeing amazing parks and landforms. sleeping in the car during thunderstorms. in tents under starry night skies. with the windows open at a beach-side hostel. see some shows. listen to music. slow down. it's going to be remarkable.
3. SHOW CHOIR COMPETITION
today we brought durand singsation to brodhead, WI for a show choir competition. words seriously cannot describe it, but i am going to try.
it was amazing.
i have never seen such talented performers or witnessed such thriving music programs in schools. sequins, fans, sets, combo bands, costume changes. we were packed into the gymnasium with a million people. all of us dancing, all of us cheering. the incredible groups onstage performed everything from "all that jazz" to "higher ground" to "4 minutes." it was the coolest thing i've ever seen. i would love to someday work at a school that has a program as strong as those. amanda and i are going to work hard to bring durand up a few notches every year. little by little we want to strengthen this program to create something that the kids and us can be proud of. baby steps.
as exciting as today was, it was also a little depressing. melancholy. i remember being in high school and being in show choir. it's sad to think that that chapter of my life is over and now i am the 25 year old. i can't help but be bitter that i didn't have an awesome show choir/musical theater program at my high school. i think that it would have taken me different places in my life. i would have realized how much i loved performing even more. would have been challenged. would have grown up with peers who had the same passions as me.
instead i was a big fish in a small pond who got released into the big pond of life. and there are some huge fish out there.
i'm exhausted.